I Lost My Special Interest

Anyone who knows me knows that my main autistic special interest through my entire adult life has been professional wrestling. But ever since the Covid-19 outbreak things in the industry have taken a turn for the worst and while I still love wrestling in the sense of the art form, the athleticism and so on, I've majorly fallen out with the industry and I'm no longer willing to support it. This post is more of a rant than anything else but I need to vent as I've been sitting on this for at least a couple of weeks now.

I guess we should start at the beginning with the outbreak and the worldwide lockdown that followed. The first issue is with how WWE have handled the situation. They literally did no testing for Covid for the first 3 months or so meaning that their wrestlers and their off-camera staff were put at risk. They had changed to taping shows in an empty arena at their training facility which protected the public from infection, but that comes with its own issues which I'll get to in a moment. Despite a number of different wrestling promotions still continuing to put on weekly televised shows, I'm strongly of the opinion that all shows should have been cancelled until it was safe to continue, and I also think that taking a break like that would be beneficial to the company although my reasoning for that isn't relevant here.

Next up, we have a turn of events that was described by many as a "bloodbath" back in April. This was a mass release (a.k.a. firing) of many, many wrestlers and other back stage staff members. WWE have been known to hoard talent for quite a while now, resulting in having more wrestlers than they can feasibly make use of, and therefore a lot of them who really deserve better basically got lost in the shuffle. EC3 was a well noted example of this. He was a huge star in Impact! Wrestling before he went to WWE, but then WWE did next to nothing with him and barely gave him any screen time. Lots of these performers were cold-heartedly released from their contracts, which would normally have been a blessing for people like EC3, but it came at a time where the state of the economy itself was uncertain and lots of people worldwide were fearing for their jobs. There's also the fact that WWE really did not need to fire anybody at all. Yes, the firings free up some money for the company, but all of their financial reports show that with or without the performers and staff members that they let go of, and with or without the pandemic, they will survive as a company for years to come. After all, they are literally the biggest professional wrestling company in the world. Their hoarding of talent shows the stranglehold they've got on the industry, and although it's been known for years the firings well and truly demonstrate how much of a money-grabbing bastard Vince McMahon really is. But then, would you expect any less from one of Donald Trump's best mates?

Which leads me onto my next issue; WWE continued putting on shows because Trump classed them as an "essential business". Don't get me wrong, as a fan I'm grateful that we still got the shows as scheduled and I actually didn't mind the lack of audience to begin with, although the novelty did wear off. But the reason they got classed as an essential business -and thus allowed to continue as normal - is because Vince's wife Linda made the jump to politics a few years ago and is doing what she can to support Trump's re-election campaign. Basically, Trump allowed them to continue business as usual meaning that lives were put at risk in exchange for the McMahon family's help in getting him re-elected. Dodgy AF to say the least.

Now we go to issues that are primarily outside of WWE, but that's not to say that WWE wrestlers haven't been involved. This is the #SpeakingOut movement that saw females in the wrestling industry (wrestlers, partners, friends etc) speaking out about abuse that they had suffered at the hands of male wrestlers. The abuse that they told of apparently started in the British scene but had started to permeate its way into the US, and involved a whole range of things such as rape, manipulation, sexual harassment and the like. Lots of (mainly British) wrestlers were fired from the companies they performed for in the aftermath of these revelations and the most heartbreaking one for me was discovering that Ligero had been involved and subsequently fired from WWE's UK division. I'd long considered Ligero to be my favourite wrestler on the British scene having followed him for a number of years prior to him joining WWE, and he is (or at least was - I'm not sure if he still is after all this came about) one of the trainers at the wrestling school in Leeds that I would have loved to train at if I had the time, the money and no family commitments. I always wanted to train with him so now I feel betrayed by one of my heroes.

Then not long after #SpeakingOut took off, came the news that Impact! Wrestling had fired Tessa Blanchard - their world champion at the time. Not only is Tessa a phenomenally talented wrestler, but the fact that gave her as a woman the opportunity of holding the company's biggest championship speaks volumes about the faith they put in her... Until she went and threw it all away. The reason that I heard for her firing was that during lockdown she essentially couldn't be bothered to film any promotional/interview clips that the company kept asking for. As the company's top champion they quite rightfully expect her to keep her end of the bargain and actually do her job. This is even after they had stood by her through various allegations of racism and bullying, but she went and threw that back in their face. Just to give the magnitude of the situation some context, the last time any major wrestling company fired their world champion was way back in 1991 - almost 30 years ago -  when WWE fired Ric Flair.

You may think it's a good thing that they fired her, and I completely agree that it it is. But what pisses me off is that she's just 1 more example of this attitude in the wrestling industry that other people don't matter or are expendable, and the only thing that matters is that you get to the top of the industry. I mean fair enough, do what you can to make yourself successful and get to where you want to be, but don't do it by using other people as stepping stones, don't ruin people's lives for the sake of fame and fortune. Basically just be a decent person/promoter/company while also doing what you love.

If you follow me on social media you might have noticed that I was over the moon with my birthday presents in July, which were 2 wrestling Funko Pop figures. While I've fallen out with wrestling big time, the wrestlers who I've got figures of have done nothing wrong (at least to the best of my knowledge) so I'm still a fan of them as individuals. Plus my wife bought them both second-hand so I got 2 Pops that I really wanted without any money going to WWE. I've decided that I'm going to buy all of my wrestling merch second hand from now on. Just as a side note, one of the Pops I got for my birthday was Alexa Bliss. As an autism advocate I can sometimes dip into the mental health side of things, which leads me to look up to Alexa because of overcoming anorexia as a teenager, and because of how she's been known to encourage young people from time to time who are going through the same battles that she went through.

Sorry for the rant but I needed to get it off my chest. I was going to write this a few weeks prior to the actual time of writing but I was still too sore about it to bring myself to write it. In terms of other special interests, I love my Funko Pops and will collect more wrestling and non-wrestling ones, and I've been spending almost any and all time that I can on my PS4 - Currently playing The Last Of Us Part II if anyone's interested. please hit the Follow button in the side bar and follow me on social media. I'm on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and you can buy me a coffee at my Ko-Fi account here.

[Image description: My shelf of WWE figures, but not my WWE Funko Pops, which are on a different shelf. At the front are my Nano Metalfigs from Poundland of (left to right) Kevin Owens, AJ Styles, Demon Finn Balor, Becky Lynch and Seth Rollins. Behind them are my 3 full sized figures of Becky Lynch, John Cena, Finn Balor and Alexa Bliss. All are still in their original packaging except John Cena.]

Autism As A Label

Autism is something that's often considered by neurotypicals as "just a label" and not something you should be putting on yourself. Despite this, the autistic community take a very different stance on it, and that includes those members of the community who are self-diagnosed. As someone with lived experience of being told "it's just a label" prior to diagnosis, and then seeing and fully appreciating the value that said diagnosis brought, I thought this would be an important topic for me to discuss here.

After my first autism assessment concluded that my only issue was a lack of confidence it left me unsupported and without the closure I was seeking as both me and my wife knew there was more to it than the assessors had decided. That's why when I moved back to York I decided to go for a second opinion. The first GP that I saw in York was of an older generation who clearly didn't believe in mental health issues, which was shown by how she dealt with other family members seeking help by pretty much rejecting them and telling them they were over reacting. Anyway, in my particular case she asked why I want to label myself with something like that, she told me I didn't need it and then gave me the details of another mental health service that wrongly sent me to a couple of months' worth of CBT sessions for social anxiety. I soon realised the CBT wasn't working and arranged an appointment with a different doctor who then set the ball rolling for me to get assessed in York (my previous assessment was in Leeds).

Fast forwarding to over 18 months later I finally got my autism diagnosis, but not before I had difficulty at work in requesting reasonable adjustments because my role had changed. I think I explained in a previous post about the issues I had at work so I won't go into it here, but the long and short of it is that I had to fight for months to get any adjustments put in place throwing all sorts of law and regulations at them before I finally got the adjustments I needed, but even then it was on a temporary basis until I got officially diagnosed. My diagnosis came just as the temporary period was about to end and it made sure that it was made permanent. So that's one way in which being "labeled" by a diagnosis would have helped me much sooner when it comes to the world of work.

On a personal level though, the uncertainty of "am I/aren't I?" was unbearable and the acknowledgment that my diagnosis brought gave me so much closure and relief. I felt like I could finally be open about being autistic and discuss it more publicly than just in the online autism community. A fellow autistic online (can't remember who it was, but if I remember I'll edit this to credit them) once said that labels in the sense of food packaging are helpful because they give so much information about the food, nutritional information, allergens and so on, and basically said that an autism diagnosis is the same in that yes it is a label, but it's one that helps others understand that you might not thrive in social situations, or that you might be sensitive to loud noises, or that you might really, really enjoy trains or wrestling or anime or psychology or literally anything else. It's a much quicker, easier and more painless way of communicating your needs and your reasoning. Imagine if someone questions what you're doing when you're flapping your hands. If you answer along the lines that you're self-stimulating to soothe yourself because you're feeling overloaded they're likely to think you're a bit of an oddball, whereas if you answer with "I'm autistic," their reaction will probably be closer to "Oh, I get it now." At least, I like to think so anyway.

Autism diagnosis or a self-diagnosis isn't JUST a label. To many of us it's validation, it's acceptance, it's acknowledgement, it's understanding, it's a weight off our shoulders, it's a word that we can give to society to explain who we are. This is why we should be congratulated when we receive a diagnosis in adulthood instead of commiserated. I like to think that the same congratulations should apply to a family whose child has been diagnosed because it means they've been given a greater understanding of what exactly they may have been struggling with (if struggling at all - each family will be different) and what they need to do to help both their autistic child and themselves as a family. But in reality a lot of parents let their lack of understanding manifest in grief, and/or taking the wrong route in an effort to support their child (such as ABA for example). I guess being late diagnosed may have saved me from something like that in my childhood, but on the other hand there are things that I really would have benefited from had I been diagnosed in childhood.

I was bullied at lot at school and I would hope that having a diagnosis would have helped with that. I think it would have been another target for the bullies to get at me for, but I really, really hope that if I had been diagnosed my school would have done a hell of a lot more about it than what they actually did, which theoretically would have counteracted the bullying.

I've never been good at making or keeping friends and I believe firmly that if I knew I was autistic I would have received much more understanding from my peers as well as possibly known my own limitations and set boundaries for social situations.

Tying into that is my eternal struggle (until I met my wife) with romantic relationships. Each of my 3 previous relationships was shorter than the last, and the first 2 ended primarily because I was a lot more interested in them than they were in me. It's only in the last couple of months that I've discovered this is a very common autistic trait and the person we're dating can become a sort of special interest. Again, I think knowing I'm autistic and being able to explain that to my partners at the time would have theoretically made them a bit more patient and understanding of how I am. Either that, or it could have put them off completely and made them not enter a relationship with me in the first place. If I'm honest I don't know which route would have been better.

And finally, I think it would have benefited me in a professional capacity as well to have known I'm autistic. I've had more jobs than I think most people have, and I left a lot of them on bad terms. I know I've said it a lot here but it all comes down to understanding as I could have explained my needs and my employers could potentially have been more accommodating of them if we knew I was autistic. Don't get me wrong, there were non-autism-related issues that came up with some jobs (like when I was 20 or 21 I would show up to work hung over more often than I should have), but overall it was mostly issues that could have been addressed and dealt with had I been diagnosed autistic earlier on in life.

So there you have it. That's my take on the "label" of autism, and how it can be an extremely helpful thing for an autistic person to have in life. This is just my personal experience though, and I'm sure that there are infinite other benefits that autistic people have/would have experienced from it depending on when they were diagnosed. Please hit the Follow button in the side bar and follow me on social media. I'm on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and you can buy me a coffee at my Ko-Fi account here.

[Image description: A red and white name badge that says "Hi, I am" in a digital font, and then "Autistic" in a font that resembles handwriting. This is on a white background with "Autism" written at the bottom in rainbow colours, and under that is "As a Label" in black.]

Working From Home Vs the Office

I've been working from home for a couple of years now, even before the pandemic hit. Previously to that I was entirely office based so I've experienced both sides as an autistic employee (although I wasn't diagnosed until I was already working from home) and just like many other autistics I much prefer working from home. With lockdown starting to ease at the time of writing I thought now would be the ideal time to evaluate and compare the two according to my own experience.

There are lots of reasons that I started working from home in 2018. One of the main reasons was that working from home meant working evenings so I could be around to look after my kids during the day while my wife is at work/uni. While getting up early with the kids and then working till 1am wasn't ideal for my wellbeing, it worked for what we needed at the time. The other main reason I started working from home was that the long drive from York to Leeds and back every day was leaving me exhausted, and I would sometimes find that I would dissociate (or at least I think that's what it was - if I'm honest I'm not sure I fully understand dissociation) and end up in a minimalist, autopilot mode while driving, which is not great for obvious reasons. So I asked to be moved to the Out Of Hours team to work from home.

In terms of within the actual job it's a lot more relaxed than in an office environment because it's in my own space where I can listen to music if I want, I could stroke my cat who would often sit next to me, I can eat where and when I want and so on. I've never had much of a sensory issue when it comes to working in the office but it's definitely better at home where I'm fully in control of my own environment.

When I was in the office I wouldn't bother asking for the blind to be closed even if the sun was in my eyes because there were loads of other people there to consider as well so it just felt easier to put up with it while the sun was rising or setting, whereas at home I can just close the curtains at any time. Hot desking isn't an issue either. Not that it was an issue for me really, I just preferred to stay at the same desk all the time because it gave me a feeling of belonging, but it can be an issue for a lot of autistics. There's no office chat in the background to deal with, and most of the background noise is my choice anyway.

One of the things I have had an issue with while working in an office is having to wear a certain dress code. For example, when I worked for a bank we had to wear a shirt and trousers. The way shirts feel on my skin can bother me unless they're quite soft, and because I'm constantly battling with my weight it's often a struggle to find shirts that fit me properly. When you work from home you don't have this issue because you can wear what you want. Even before lockdown I worked my fair share of shifts in just my Darth Vader onesie and nobody was any the wiser, nor would they have cared if they knew.

Like I said, I wasn't diagnosed autistic until I was already working from home, but freedom to stim is another big benefit of home working. In all honesty, I don't know if I would have been happy to knowingly stim in the office if I hadn't gotten my head around it while working from home first. We used to have monthly office days, and because I'd already come to understand myself and stimming more by that point I didn't mind doing it in the office. My stims are mostly quite subtle/acceptable anyway such as chewing, spinning on my chair, jigging my leg under the desk etc.

The one negative to not working in the office that I can think of is that I quite enjoyed being around people as long as I didn't have to talk to them, and it was just once a month on our office days. I think going to the office just gave me a sense of actual involvement in something bigger, whereas working from home makes it easy to get stuck in a rut. With that said, I'm sure that if/when they send us back to the office full time after Covid it'll soon turn into a different story!

That's my point of view on working from home vs the office, and it's safe to say that I'll chose working from home without question whenever given the choice. Everyone is different and everyone has their own experience so there are likely things that I've missed that can be argued for and against each one, but this is my own personal experience having been on both sides. Please hit the Follow button in the side bar and follow me on social media. I'm on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and you can buy me a coffee at my Ko-Fi account here.

[Image description: A picture of my desk that I use for work. There's a black mouse mat to the right of the computer, my headset to the left, and various items scattered around including post-it notes, pens, sweets etc as I share the desk with my wife who uses it for her uni work. There is light shining through the window above the computer, which can be seen slightly to the right of it on this image.] 

Social Hangover

Being diagnosed autistic later in life is weird in a way. There are some things that even now, 18 months after diagnosis, I'm still working out about myself and my past even though in reality they should have been clear signs that I'm autistic. The thing that dawned on my most recently was that whenever I went on a night out I would always feel hungover the next morning, even if I didn't drink. There was a period of about 6 months in my early 20's where I couldn't drink because of the medication I was on, and there were other times here and there where I chose not to drink for different reasons, but every non-drinking night out still left me with what felt like a hangover the next morning. Granted, a less intense hangover than if I had been drinking, but other than intensity it felt pretty much the same. I never knew what it was until it randomly occurred to me the other day.

Now that I'm armed with the knowledge that I'm autistic I've put it down to being worn out by social interactions. I would wake up feeling nauseous, which is known to be a common thing in neurodivergents. When you feel anxious or worried for example, you feel it in your stomach which is why a lot of autistics develop stomach issues or other digestive issues. Growing up autistic (especially if you don't know it) is a stressful experience so it makes a lot of sense that my stomach would be sensitive the following day. I also used to feel physically over-sensitive after a night out, which does happen when I'm tired. I don't think that's just due to staying out late because at the time I was largely struggling to find work so I slept in a lot due to having nothing to really get up for. So the tiredness must have been mostly from trying to be sociable and exhausting myself. I sometimes had a headache in the morning as well, although that wasn't as frequent as the other symptoms. They are all signs of tiredness and/or stress which makes a lot of sense if I'd been putting a lot of effort into masking.

Masking isn't something that I've ever been aware of doing, but looking back I must have masked in some way or another through my childhood and up to around my mid-20's for nobody to have realised I might be autistic. It's a common thing for autistics to not know where the mask ends and where they begin so it's not surprising that I've never knowingly done it.

It's just a quick one this week because I just wanted to share that sudden realisation that when I used to go out but didn't drink I got social hangovers. To be honest, I'm not even sure if "social hangover" is the right term for it, or if there's even a term for it at all so I'd be interested to hear what you call it in the comments or on social media. Also let me know if you get social hangovers whether it feels the same or different for you. Please hit the Follow button in the side bar and follow me on social media. I'm on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and you can buy me a coffee at my Ko-Fi account here.

[Image description: Black silhouette of a human holding their head with both hands and lightning bolt-like symbols near the head to show distress. Below that is "Autism" in rainbow colours, and under that is "Social hangover" in black.] 

Insomnia

It's common for autistic people to either have trouble sleeping or be what most people might call a night owl. This is something I relate to and there is a neurological reason for it. I've always found it hard to get up on a morning unless there was a specific reason to get up such as school or work. There were a few periods in my late teens and early 20's where I found myself struggling to find work, and in these times I always found myself staying up later and sleeping in later because there was nothing that I absolutely had to get up for. Once or twice I decided to reset my sleep schedule by not sleeping on the night, but instead waiting until the following night when I'd go to bed at a "normal" time and then it gave me a decent night's sleep feeling reasonably awake the next morning. It didn't last too long though.

The reason for this is because the autistic brain tends to produce more melatonin during the day than it does at night, as opposed to a neurotypical brain that produces melatonin at night instead of during the day. Melatonin is the hormone that regulates your sleep cycle and is produced by the pineal gland in the brain. As you've probably gathered, the presence of melatonin is what makes you go to sleep, and when your melatonin levels drop that's when you wake up. The main factor that seems to trigger the release or reduction of melatonin is how light or dark it is. Autistic brains are often wired up to get this the opposite way around to the general population.

I've always had a tendency to not properly wake up until later in the day, but this really stepped up when I had kids, especially because my son was bottle fed so I did most of the night feeds. Even nowadays I find it hard to get up when my kids get up around 6:00 or 6:30am when they want me to get up. I try to drink tea (I don't like coffee even though it'd probably work better) for a caffeine boost but whatever I do I never really feel awake until just before lunch time. Conversely, my head feels by far the most awake and the most active around midnight to 1:00am. I've spent the last couple of years working until midnight until recently, which is ironic. I always feel exhausted early in the morning, but despite waking up still tired and mostly having no more than 5 or 6 hours' sleep I can't always sleep at night because my brain is too active. It's often around 1:00am that my brain processes things that have happened that day, and that I have a lot of ideas for things like blog posts or other things that I want to do. In fact, the custom vinyl figure of Christa Holmans that I made was a midnight idea.

I tried herbal sleeping tablets not long ago to try and help me sleep on a night because it was becoming a lot more frequent for me to struggle getting to sleep, but it didn't do much. I'm not sure if that's because I'm autistic but for whatever reason it didn't work. Because of things like autistic sleep patterns I think it's great that companies are moving to longer and later opening hours as well as more remote working facilities. It makes for an accessible society in terms of both customers and employees. Granted, we've mainly moved away from the standard 9-5 quite a while ago but there's still a way to go and there should be more out of hours access than there is at the moment.

I've always been quite good at sciencey subjects so I find things like the reasons for sleep cycle differences really interesting. If it's been just as interesting for you please hit the Follow button in the side bar and follow me on social media. I'm on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and you can buy me a coffee at my Ko-Fi account here.

[Image description: Silhouette of a bed with a love heart on the headboard. Under the bed is the word "Autism" in rainbow colours and "Insomnia" under that in black.]

Self-Diagnosis

Self-diagnosis is something that I struggled with a little bit before I was formally diagnosed. Well, maybe saying I struggled isn't quite right, but I didn't feel comfortable in disclosing my autism while self-diagnosed unless I had to. I knew I was autistic before diagnosis but it felt like it might just be in my head so I didn't dare tell anyone except members of the online autism community who I'd never met. Obviously it's most likely not the case that it's just in your head so I wanted to go over some reasons why self-diagnosis is perfectly valid.

1. Autism is often overlooked in women and in minorities because it used to be seen as something that only occurred in white males. We know nowadays that literally anybody can be autistic.

2. Getting a diagnosis can be expensive in certain countries. Here in the UK it's done under the NHS for free, although there is also the option to go private.

3. The diagnostic person/team that assesses you might not be as knowledgeable or up to date as they should be. This happened to me when I was 1st assessed. They decided I wasn't autistic, so when I moved to a different area I had to ask to be referred again for a 2nd opinion where I finally got my diagnosis.

4. Even if you can afford a diagnosis the wait time for it is often ridiculously long. I can't remember how long my 1st assessment took, but I know my 2nd one was 18 months from my GP referring me to me getting my diagnosis.

5. Diagnostic assessment may not be physically accessible. I would imagine there's probably an assessment centre in most (if not all) major cities, but more rural areas might not have one meaning that you'd have to travel.

6. Your GP might refuse to refer you. This happened to me and I know it's not an isolated case. The GP I saw refused to refer me because she decided I didn't need to label myself. This is problematic for a few reasons, not least that it's not for her to decide. It's our own decision whether it's something we want or need.

7. Under the UK's Equality Act 2010 a diagnosis is irrelevant when asking for accommodations at work. As long as you meet a set of criteria your workplace are legally obliged to offer reasonable adjustments for you with or without a formal diagnosis.

8. Some autistics might feel shame or fear around getting officially diagnosed. This could be because of how they personally view themselves and/or autism, it could be due to family pressures, or any number of reasons that they might want to quietly keep their identity to themselves.

9. Some people simply might not want to chase a formal diagnosis, but be content in self-identifying as autistic. Fun fact: Tim Burton has identified as autistic for years, despite not being diagnosed.

10. Nobody knows you better than you!

There is concern within the neurotypical community that with self-diagnosis of autism people will use it as almost a fashion statement, or irrationally jump to conclusions about their own neurotype. I think these concerns are quite reasonable if you're looking from an outside perspective like neurotypicals will be, so I wanted to quickly address both sides to close this post. I want to reassure neurotypials that jumping into a self-disagnosis like that is a rare occurrence. While I'm not saying that everybody who self-diagnoses does so correctly, it's usually more about identity and isn't something that's taken lightly by most people. We take a lot of time, research and soul searching before we diagnose ourselves. And that leads me onto my point addressed to self-diagnosing autistics or those considering it. It's best to take your time and really think and research what autism is and whether you identify as autistic. There are a ton of autism resources online in the form of blogs (like this one!), YouTube channels, Facebook groups, Twitter hashtags and so on that are dedicated to helping anyone and everyone understand and accept autism. There's nothing wrong with self-diagnosing, but all I'm saying is do your research and stay informed.

If this list of reasons for self-diagnosis being valid has been helpful please click Subscribe at the top of the page and follow me on social media. I'm @DepictDave on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and you can buy me a coffee at my Ko-Fi account here.

[Image description: "World Wide Web" logo (a black globe logo with "WWW" running through the middle) on a white background with "Autism" underneath it in rainbow colours, and "Self-Diagnosis" beneath that in black text.]

Guest Post: Autism In Women

I've got another guest post for you this week. This time it's by Vicky of Actually Aspling who is a brilliant and very active autism advocate, a fellow northerner, and has a Vaporeon tattoo on her arm which I love! You'll find her own blog here, and she's ActuallyAspling on both Twitter and Instagram. I realised that one of the biggest areas I haven't discussed yet is autism in women so I asked Vicky to write a piece on it for me since I'm not really qualified to talk about it properly due to being a man. So here we go with Vicky's thoughts:

I honestly can’t remember much from my childhood, only what I’ve been told from my parents, things are quite blurry in that sense. From what I know I was quite passive as a small child, and didn’t have many friends, and to be honest that hasn’t changed much.

I’d say being a girl definitely heightened my experiences in some ways, and for that reason I went undiagnosed for many years. Our understanding of Autistic women and girls is ever-growing, its evolving, and we are learning every day, but sadly it came too late for me.
High school for me was a nightmare, everything went wrong, and I stood out for all the wrong reasons. You could say I was a typical Autie girl. I clung to all my friends, I copied their behaviours, hoping I could survive the school day. It didn’t work. As a result, I camouflaged even more, changed my interests and created a whole new persona, something which many young Autistic girls feel they have to do to pass as Neurotypical. The issue is, we shouldn’t be pressuring Autistic individuals to do so, we should be teaching them, giving them the skills to be themselves, and allowing them to unmask.

Honestly, I think one of the reasons I was undiagnosed for so long is because of this mask, I had created a person who could fit in, who could pass as neurotypical, I appeared ‘normal’ or ‘high functioning’ to some. But the thing is, every Autistic woman is different, just like every Autistic person is diverse, its not one size fits all. I also think the understanding of trait presentation was lacking, especially in medical services.

I remember the first time I went to my doctor, I told her I think I could be Autistic, and I could tell by her face that she didn’t believe me already. So, what did she do? She printed off a biased, probably outdated questionnaire from her computer and proceeded to ask me a set of questions. One of which is ‘do you have friends?’ to which I said yes, and that I did like to go out with said friends. And of course, that meant I couldn’t possibly be Autistic, because we all know Autistic people cannot possibly have friends. I came across as quite social, again like the typical autie woman.

Eventually I sought a different opinion, and I was referred straight away for an assessment. This was fantastic, the only downside? My assessment was completed using the Autism Diagnostic Observation Schedule (ADOS), an outdated tool which lacks empirical sensitivity, it is biased and its methods do not reflect traits which are often displayed in women and girls. It’s a tool which follows stereotypical ‘male’ traits. However, I eventually did receive a diagnosis, after years of camouflaging and comments that ‘women can’t have autism’.

So many young girls are going both undiagnosed and misdiagnosed due to outdated tools, a lack of sensitivity and an absence of knowledge. Its about time that things change, we need a new perspective on Autism, but hey, I’m working on it!

[Image description: Vicky sat in her garden cross-legged holding a blue mug with both hands. She has short-ish light brown hair and is wearing a blue t-shirt, blue Christmassy trousers and white socks.]