Working From Home Vs the Office

I've been working from home for a couple of years now, even before the pandemic hit. Previously to that I was entirely office based so I've experienced both sides as an autistic employee (although I wasn't diagnosed until I was already working from home) and just like many other autistics I much prefer working from home. With lockdown starting to ease at the time of writing I thought now would be the ideal time to evaluate and compare the two according to my own experience.

There are lots of reasons that I started working from home in 2018. One of the main reasons was that working from home meant working evenings so I could be around to look after my kids during the day while my wife is at work/uni. While getting up early with the kids and then working till 1am wasn't ideal for my wellbeing, it worked for what we needed at the time. The other main reason I started working from home was that the long drive from York to Leeds and back every day was leaving me exhausted, and I would sometimes find that I would dissociate (or at least I think that's what it was - if I'm honest I'm not sure I fully understand dissociation) and end up in a minimalist, autopilot mode while driving, which is not great for obvious reasons. So I asked to be moved to the Out Of Hours team to work from home.

In terms of within the actual job it's a lot more relaxed than in an office environment because it's in my own space where I can listen to music if I want, I could stroke my cat who would often sit next to me, I can eat where and when I want and so on. I've never had much of a sensory issue when it comes to working in the office but it's definitely better at home where I'm fully in control of my own environment.

When I was in the office I wouldn't bother asking for the blind to be closed even if the sun was in my eyes because there were loads of other people there to consider as well so it just felt easier to put up with it while the sun was rising or setting, whereas at home I can just close the curtains at any time. Hot desking isn't an issue either. Not that it was an issue for me really, I just preferred to stay at the same desk all the time because it gave me a feeling of belonging, but it can be an issue for a lot of autistics. There's no office chat in the background to deal with, and most of the background noise is my choice anyway.

One of the things I have had an issue with while working in an office is having to wear a certain dress code. For example, when I worked for a bank we had to wear a shirt and trousers. The way shirts feel on my skin can bother me unless they're quite soft, and because I'm constantly battling with my weight it's often a struggle to find shirts that fit me properly. When you work from home you don't have this issue because you can wear what you want. Even before lockdown I worked my fair share of shifts in just my Darth Vader onesie and nobody was any the wiser, nor would they have cared if they knew.

Like I said, I wasn't diagnosed autistic until I was already working from home, but freedom to stim is another big benefit of home working. In all honesty, I don't know if I would have been happy to knowingly stim in the office if I hadn't gotten my head around it while working from home first. We used to have monthly office days, and because I'd already come to understand myself and stimming more by that point I didn't mind doing it in the office. My stims are mostly quite subtle/acceptable anyway such as chewing, spinning on my chair, jigging my leg under the desk etc.

The one negative to not working in the office that I can think of is that I quite enjoyed being around people as long as I didn't have to talk to them, and it was just once a month on our office days. I think going to the office just gave me a sense of actual involvement in something bigger, whereas working from home makes it easy to get stuck in a rut. With that said, I'm sure that if/when they send us back to the office full time after Covid it'll soon turn into a different story!

That's my point of view on working from home vs the office, and it's safe to say that I'll chose working from home without question whenever given the choice. Everyone is different and everyone has their own experience so there are likely things that I've missed that can be argued for and against each one, but this is my own personal experience having been on both sides. Please hit the Follow button in the side bar and follow me on social media. I'm on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and you can buy me a coffee at my Ko-Fi account here.

[Image description: A picture of my desk that I use for work. There's a black mouse mat to the right of the computer, my headset to the left, and various items scattered around including post-it notes, pens, sweets etc as I share the desk with my wife who uses it for her uni work. There is light shining through the window above the computer, which can be seen slightly to the right of it on this image.] 

Social Hangover

Being diagnosed autistic later in life is weird in a way. There are some things that even now, 18 months after diagnosis, I'm still working out about myself and my past even though in reality they should have been clear signs that I'm autistic. The thing that dawned on my most recently was that whenever I went on a night out I would always feel hungover the next morning, even if I didn't drink. There was a period of about 6 months in my early 20's where I couldn't drink because of the medication I was on, and there were other times here and there where I chose not to drink for different reasons, but every non-drinking night out still left me with what felt like a hangover the next morning. Granted, a less intense hangover than if I had been drinking, but other than intensity it felt pretty much the same. I never knew what it was until it randomly occurred to me the other day.

Now that I'm armed with the knowledge that I'm autistic I've put it down to being worn out by social interactions. I would wake up feeling nauseous, which is known to be a common thing in neurodivergents. When you feel anxious or worried for example, you feel it in your stomach which is why a lot of autistics develop stomach issues or other digestive issues. Growing up autistic (especially if you don't know it) is a stressful experience so it makes a lot of sense that my stomach would be sensitive the following day. I also used to feel physically over-sensitive after a night out, which does happen when I'm tired. I don't think that's just due to staying out late because at the time I was largely struggling to find work so I slept in a lot due to having nothing to really get up for. So the tiredness must have been mostly from trying to be sociable and exhausting myself. I sometimes had a headache in the morning as well, although that wasn't as frequent as the other symptoms. They are all signs of tiredness and/or stress which makes a lot of sense if I'd been putting a lot of effort into masking.

Masking isn't something that I've ever been aware of doing, but looking back I must have masked in some way or another through my childhood and up to around my mid-20's for nobody to have realised I might be autistic. It's a common thing for autistics to not know where the mask ends and where they begin so it's not surprising that I've never knowingly done it.

It's just a quick one this week because I just wanted to share that sudden realisation that when I used to go out but didn't drink I got social hangovers. To be honest, I'm not even sure if "social hangover" is the right term for it, or if there's even a term for it at all so I'd be interested to hear what you call it in the comments or on social media. Also let me know if you get social hangovers whether it feels the same or different for you. Please hit the Follow button in the side bar and follow me on social media. I'm on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and you can buy me a coffee at my Ko-Fi account here.

[Image description: Black silhouette of a human holding their head with both hands and lightning bolt-like symbols near the head to show distress. Below that is "Autism" in rainbow colours, and under that is "Social hangover" in black.] 

Anxiety

If you're a regular reader, or if you've read some of my older posts, chances are you'll know that alexithymia is one of the autism-related conditions I've got, which basically means I have difficulty expressing my own emotions in words, and sometimes even understanding them at all. So with that in mind it's hardly surprising that I'm only now starting to realise that I suffer more with anxiety than I ever thought I did. It's funny how things like this can be there and affect you without you even realising it. I can only remember a couple of times where I've noticed the classic symptoms of anxiety such as nausea, sweating palms and so on.

I've never been the most confident of people but I think there's much more to it than that. I'm always doubting myself, wondering if I'm doing the right thing, wonder if I/what I'm doing is good enough etc. For example, most of the time when I hit the Publish button on a new post I immediately wonder to myself if I've just written a load of crap. Someone on Twitter a while ago once said something that resonated with me quite a bit. They said that perfectionism isn't good because it's often driven by anxiety. I consider myself a perfectionist and I never thought of it like that before. One of my old jobs was preparing route packs for a distribution company and my my supervisor once praised me on how immaculate they are, but said I'm making them too perfect and spending too much time on it when I should be getting each one done as quickly as possible. This is most likely driven by anxiety that I want to do the best job I can because I don't want to get in trouble so I make it as perfect as I can, but that takes more time than they like. I ended up being made redundant from that job but my perfectionism isn't something I've ever been able to change. I'm very rigid in that sense, which is a classic autism trait. When I do something I has to be perfect, and more importantly it has to be right.

As far as I can remember I've always been one to look quite negatively on myself as well as things that could happen. If there's something that I can see a potential negative outcome for I usually spend a lot of time thinking "what if" although I like to think I'm also good at balancing out the positives and negatives and looking at the probability of each outcome. Whenever I get a notification for something on my phone, if the notification shows the first few words of the message I usually have a feeling of dread as though someone is definitely going to have a go at me, or give me some bad news or something. Somehow that doesn't tend to happen if it doesn't show the start of the message in the notification, and of course my feeling of dread is always wrong. There was one time recently where I'd done something wrong that annoyed my wife, and I spent a while thinking I'm a moron and what if she hates me and all those kind of things. This is when the logical thinking kicks in - sometimes on its own, sometimes deliberately. I start thinking that she's human and that she's an emotional and anxious person herself, and she'll calm down eventually, and whatever I did definitely doesn't warrant a divorce. I know she reads my blog so I just want to quickly clarify that I've never thought she was going to divorce me, but just using that as a worst case scenario that I can rule out to reassure myself.

When I first asked my GP back in 2017 to refer me for a second opinion on an autism diagnosis she refused and gave me the details for a self-referral mental health service that I then contacted, and they concluded that I had social anxiety. While I don't deny that I'm very socially anxious the help they gave me was a waste of time mainly because autism still wasn't addressed as the underlying cause of it. You may be wondering what difference it makes as autism isn't something to be treated or cured, but to a certain extent a diagnosis of autism can make a world of difference because it can be very validating and gives a much simpler way of explaining how you are to other people: "I'm autistic." Not that it solves anxiety - social or otherwise - but it certainly helps in my experience. They booked me in for CBT therapy and after a couple of months I realised it wasn't working and stopped. Shortly after that I went back and saw a different GP who then gave me the referral that lead to my diagnosis.

At the moment I'm fine with my anxieties because they don't cause much of an issue, but who knows - after lockdown is over my situation will most likely change so I may need to revisit CBT or a similar therapy depending on how things go. At the time of writing my employer are expecting me and the rest of my home working team to return to the office after lockdown (I've worked from home for a couple of years and we were supposed to return to the office in early April until the pandemic happend). At lot of people have come and gone in the office since I started working from home, so it'll be like going into a completely new environment when we eventually do go back. With that said, my son will be starting school in September which might give me more downtime to decompress and process things, so we'll have to see how it goes.

So there you have it. It's definitely possible to have anxiety without realising it, and I think it's safe to say that goes for almost any mental health issue as well. I'm still unpacking my anxieties bit by bit, but I hope what I've unpacked so far has been insightful and interesting. Please click Subscribe at the top of the page and follow me on social media. I'm @DepictDave on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and you can buy me a coffee at my Ko-Fi account here.

[Image description: Silhouette of a person on a chair, hunched over slightly holding their head. There are bubbles showing thoughts entering their head including "Don't," "Can't," and "What if..." Under the silhouette is the word "Autism" in rainbow colours and "Anxiety" in black under that.]

Explaining The Spectrum

The autism spectrum is something that's not well understood outside of the autistic community. It's confusing to the general public for 2 reasons that I want to explore here. First, the phrase "on the spectrum" which is used in an attempt to say "[x person] is autistic" in a politically correct way. The other thing is the way the spectrum itself works.

Addressing the first point, I want to make it clear that although people usually use "on the spectrum" with the best of intentions, autism isn't a dirty word. Nor is being autistic a bad thing. Autistic and autism are perfectly acceptable words to use to describe somebody who genuinely is autistic. Similarly, I wanted to give my point of view on when people say "We're all a bit autistic" or "We're all on the spectrum." These two statements at first glance appear to mean the same thing, but they really don't. The way I see it, everybody is somewhere on the spectrum, such is the nature of diversity. But with that said, it doesn't mean everybody is autistic - whether that's supposedly a little bit or a lot. Neurotypicality (I hope that's the right word!) in relation to the autism spectrum just means that the person's traits sit within the "normal" range and that they have a round profile (more on that later). It doesn't mean that their traits are nowhere to be seen on the spectrum. A lot of people may have a couple of traits commonly associated with autism such as a lack of social skills, or sensory issues, but what makes somebody autistic is their different brain structure causing a high number of these traits and a high intensity of them. So if somebody says to me that we're all on the spectrum I don't have an issue with that - in fact I completely agree. But if someone tells me that we're all a little bit autistic, that's not true. You're either autistic or you're not, there's no "little bit autistic" or "very autistic" and just having a couple of quirks doesn't mean you're autistic.

Moving onto the spectrum itself, a lot of people think that the spectrum is linear (a straight line from one extreme to the other). I know I did when I first realised the possibility that I might be autistic. In actual fact the spectrum is best represented visually as a circular graph. When you plot a person's traits on the graph you'll usually find that autistic people's traits make the graph spiky which represents their heighten skills, their deficits, their heightened/lowered senses, and any number of other factors that often vary wildly. Whereas neurotypicals will tend to show a more consistent and rounded graph as their traits and abilities are a lot more rounded. To demonstrate what I mean, below are screen shots of the results from an autism quiz that me and my wife both took a few years ago just to compare. The first one is mine, the second one is my wife's. You can see that hers is much more rounded and balanced whereas mine is more spiky showing my atypical tendencies.

[Image description: There are 2 images here. The first one is a graph showing my results of the quiz and shows that I have a spiky profile which I've always thought looks like a whale's tail. The second picture is the same graph but showing my wife's results instead. Hers is more round and consistent than mine.]

Although this test is in no way diagnostic, the graph that it gives of the results is very useful for explaining the spectrum and showing how spiky a neurodiverse profile is compared to a neurotypical one. While I admittedly don't know too much about other neurodiversities such as ADHD, dyslexia and so on, I think that their profiles would most likely be similarly spiky in comparison to neurotypical ones. Hopefully these graphs also help explain how although we're not all autistic we are all on the spectrum. I once posted on Instagram to demonstrate the spectrum using PlayDoh but it didn't turn out as well as I'd hoped. Even so, feel free to search back through my Instagram to find it if you're intetrested.

I hope this has clarified something that is often confusing and busted a couple of myths in the process. Please click Subscribe at the top of the page and follow me on social media. I'm @DepictDave on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and you can buy me a coffee at my Ko-Fi account here.

Washing A Weighted Blanket

A lot of autistics - myself included - love weighted blankets. They're not only good for autistics from a sensory point of view, but they're also good for any mental health issues such as depression and anxiety. I always describe it to people as "a big, one-person hug" and I sleep under mine every night.

Obviously with me using it so much, and also with having 2 young kids around as well, it's bound to get dirty sooner or later. My daughter got mine dirty a while ago and it ended up sitting in the corner being unused for ages because I had no idea how to clean it. I eventually got round to finding out online how to clean it so I thought I'd explain how to do it here, as well as the mistakes I made so you don't repeat them.

First of all, weighted blankets do tend to be machine washable, although due to the weight of them it's best to hand wash them unless you've got access to an industrial washing machine. The same applies with tumble dryers.

Hand washing is simple. If you're washing the whole blanket you'll need a bathtub or something of a similar size to wash your blanket in. Regardless of how much of the blanket you want to clean you'll also need a mild detergent and somewhere to dry it. I'll explain the process here as though you're washing the whole blanket.

• The first thing to do is to fill your bathtub with enough lukewarm water to completely submerge your blanket, and add between half to a full cup of mild detergent depending on the size of your blanket. Strong chemicals, such as bleach for example, can damage your blanket so it's best to avoid them. Make sure the detergent is spread evenly by running your hand through the water.
• Put your blanket fully submerged in the water and gently clean it by kneading it. It's best to do it in sections so you know where you've cleaned and where you need to go next.
• Once you've cleaned it with soapy water, drain it all out of the bath and rinse the blanket all over with clean water, I used the shower rather than the bath tap as being able to move it freely made it a lot easier. Brush or swish the blanket with your hand to make sure all the soapy water has gone. Do this until the water from the blanket runs clean. When I cleaned mine the water coming from it was quite dark so it's easy to tell.
• Get rid of as much water as you can from the blanket, although in my experience you're not going to get rid of anywhere near all of it. Avoid wringing the blanket out like you would with most clothes as it can misshape the blanket. Instead it's best to fold it or roll it on top of itself and press on it to squeeze out the water. The tighter you roll it the better, although my blanket is too big to roll it effectively.
• The final stage is drying. You may need to think about where you've got the room to hang your blanket out to dry, which I found quite tricky. If it's the middle of summer and you have somewhere to hang it outside then it's easy enough but I had to get slightly creative with mine, which I'll go into shortly.

There are 2 mistakes that I made when I washed mine. The first one was that even though it was just a small area that my daughter got mucky I thought it was best to wash the entire blanket. I could have just washed the dirty area, which would have been a lot quicker and easier and I could have probably done it in the sink instead of the bath. The other mistake I made was that I assumed that I could just hang it up to dry on the kids' climbing frame in the garden overnight. The issue with that was that it was in winter and I underestimated how cold it'd be. My thinking was that even if the temperature doesn't dry it, it should still drip dry at least to a certain extent. I was wrong. I woke up in the morning to find it frozen solid. And yes, it was a stupid thing for me to do in the first place. After that I looked around in the house for where I could put it to dry next to a radiator. I ended up unfolding the decorating table on its side in the bedroom, and laying my blanket across it next to the radiator. I kept checking it every now and then and rotating it as it dried. So the lesson from that is plan ahead where and how you'll be able to dry it.

Hopefully this post has been useful as weighted blankets are quite popular among neurodivergents in general, not just autistics. If it's helped you or if it's been interesting please click Subscribe at the top of the page and follow me on social media. I'm @DepictDave on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and you can buy me a coffee at my Ko-Fi account here.

[Image description: Black and white outline image of a washing machine. The drum has water in it, and in the water is the text "10kg" as that's the weight of my blanket. Under the washing machine is "Autism" in rainbow colours and "Washing A Weighted Blanket" under that.]

Survey Results

Thanks to all who took part in my autism survey during World Autism Awareness Week! There were 21 responses to it, which isn't as many as I'd hoped for but the results were interesting and I'm pleased to report them here in this post for you. Just as a reminder, these were the questions:

1. Age
2. Gender
3. Are you/anyone you know autistic?
4. If yes, who?
5. What is your understanding of autism?
6. Is autism a disability?
7. Which of these terms are you familiar with? (there were several options including stimming, meltdown, alexithymia etc.)
8. Is there anything that you think autistic people can't do?
9. Is there anything that you think autistic please can do better than others?
10. What autism stereotypes are you aware of?

One of the most interesting things I've noticed from it is that all but 1 answered yes to being/knowing someone who is autistic. The first thing that this implied to me is that people don't seem to care or have any interest in autism unless they're either autistic themselves or have some involvement with autistic people such as family members, school pupils and so on. This is what we need to work on because if the general population aren't interested in autism they're going to know nothing about it other than maybe the common myths and misconceptions. In turn, if society doesn't know anything about autism it doesn't bode well for autism acceptance and creates an environment where autistics have to mask too much, suppress their stims and continue to live in a social environment that's very exclusive of us. Needless to say, that's what I and many others are working to change with blogs, vlogs, conferences, activism and everything else we do.

Age-wise, a third of the people surveyed are 18-25, another third are 30-50, and the other third (other than 1 participant) were under 18. Nobody over 50 took the survey. There were a couple of interesting points that the age of the participants showed me. Firstly, the lack of 25-30 year-olds which I don't understand what it means (if it means anything at all), but it's just interesting because it was unexpected. The other thing that's interesting is that there were no over 50's and there were more under 18's than I expected. I like to think that's an indication that times are changing, and despite the last paragraph it's showing that we are moving in the right direction - or at least beginning to. Speaking of things moving in the right direction, most of the participants answered that they're female. That could be an indication that autism in women is starting to be more recognised and understood, whereas previously it was thought to be an almost exclusively male condition.

Out of the people who answered yes to either themselves or somebody they know being autistic, 62% said it was themselves. 29% (including some of the 62%) said it was members of their family, which shows that there is definitely a genetic and probably a hereditary element to autism as I expected. It wouldn't surprise me if some of the others had autistic family members without realising it, just like I wouldn't be surprised if either or both of my parents are autistic. Some of the other answers include friends, neighbours and children they work with.

For the question asking what their understanding of autism is the answers were pretty much spot on with reality, which is to be expected given that most of the participants are autistic themselves. I was hoping for more non-autistic responses to give a more rounded picture of how society sees autism, but I am pleased that those who did take part have a good understanding of it as it can be difficult even for us autistics to understand. Most of the answers centered around it being a difference or a condition rather than a disability. It absolutely can be a disability, but everyone is different so not necessarily. The answer that stood out to me was that it's a condition that results in slowed learning but doesn't make the person any different. It's not a wrong answer, but because it's a broad spectrum there is more to it than our learning necessarily being slowed. Some might be unusually quick learners (a former team leader of mine at work used so compare me to a sponge because I take everything in), some might be slow, some might just be affected by any comorbid conditions they have, or any number of other factors. There are a couple of answers that used different wordings than I would have used and some that referred to stereotypes but nothing that was inaccurate because most stereotypes have at least some autistic people that relate to them.

For the next question "Is autism a disability?" a strong 62% answered yes, which is interesting because it's certainly classed as a disability by legal definition here in the UK, and is commonly referred to as the invisible disability. With that said, I personally both agree and disagree with it being a disability. My view of it is that autism in itself isn't a disability, but it can certainly cause disabilities based on the varied ways that it affects each individual. More people said they don't know if it's a disability than those saying no, which I'm surprised at as I thought it would mostly be a black and white yes/no scenario.

Where I asked what autism-related terms people are familiar with it was a pretty well rounded response with nothing getting less than 76% - that is with the exception of alexithymia at just 52%. I expected it to have one of the lowest percentages because it's only in the last year or 2 that I myself discovered that alexithymia. If I'm honest, that discovery was probably the biggest "ah-ha!" moment for me but I've already done a post about that a while ago if you want to read more. Meltdown scored 100% which isn't surprising. I would have expected neurodiversity to not score as high as it did (95%) if it wasn't for the participants being mostly autistic themselves.

The next question was whether there's anything that the participants believe autistic people can't do. The answers were pleasantly similar here to the understanding of autism question in that they're pretty realistic and positive. There was a solid understanding that every autistic is individual with their own set of skills, strengths and weaknesses so there's nothing that just the fact that they're autistic means they can't do. Again, there were some stereotypes but I think for the most part these are based on issues that the particular person faces rather than autistics as a whole.

It was the same kind of response for the question about things that autistic people can do better than others - mostly realistic, positive and that it varies from person to person. What I like about the answers to this question though is how much it portrays autism as a strength. There were things like becoming experts/specialists in their special interests, strong sense of logic, and a few other things that I'm not sure whether to class as stereotypes or just extremely common traits that a lot of us share such as being direct and to the point. But overall they do agree that it's different for each person and that whatever each person's traits are it doesn't make them defective or broken.

The final question asked what stereotypes the participants are aware of. The biggest thing I noticed from this was an extension of a stereotype I was already aware of, which is that autism only affects white males and mostly children. What I didn't know was this this stereotype also extends to sexual preferences and gender identities. Apparently the stereotype is that those white males also have to be straight and cisgender. Of course in reality autistic people are as diverse as everyone else in race, skin colour, gender, sexuality, age and everything else. The other most common answers are that we're stereotypically rude, selfish, good at maths and bad at empathy. We're not rude, selfish, badly behaved or any of that. Well, some of us can be but just in the same way that some neurotypicals can be rude, selfish and badly behaved while others aren't. That's not an autistic thing but we're landed with the stereotype anyway. My understanding was that we're meant to be good at computing and science rather than good at maths but I suppose there's links between maths and science. Empathy is another big one. Some autistics aren't good at empathy (myself included), whereas others have lots and lots of empathy but their either considered weird when they show it or they just may not know how to show it.

So that's a brief analysis of the survey results. Thanks again to everyone who took part! Although there was a distinct lack of non-autistic input which wouldn't have been the case had my original plan gone ahead (bloody Coronavirus!), I'm pleased that the answers I did get showed a good understanding of autism. If this has been as interesting for you as it has for me please click Subscribe at the top of the page and follow me on social media. I'm @DepictDave on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and you can buy me a coffee at my Ko-Fi account here.

Positives Of Autism

I feel like a big part of autism advocacy focuses on the negatives in highlighting our struggles, whether that's imposed by society or by our atypical hard-wiring. I think it can sometimes be a bit much to keep looking at the negatives so this week I wanted to look at some of my positive experiences instead to demonstrate that it's not so much doom and gloom as it can sometimes appear to be.

A few weeks ago I had my end of year one to one with my team leader at work and I was quite surprised about how positive she was about both me and my contributions to the team. There were 2 big things that have contributed to how I've been over the last few months. The first one being my autism diagnosis. I came out to the team not long after that and immediately felt a lot more free to be me as my team leader commented in my one to one how much I've come out of my shell since then. The second thing was that my old team leader left around July/August-time last year leading to our current team leader - who was already a part of the team - stepping up to take his place. She's done a much better job and has done wonders for not only my confidence but my overall happiness in the job.

Every now and then team leaders at our place delegate little tasks to people to help ease their load of team leader stuff. There's never been anything that I would have felt particularly comfortable doing until my current team leader took over. She identified one of my strengths in that I like to keep spreadsheets of things like my monthly performance stats as I find it helps me keep on track and know what I need to do to hit targets and when. So once she spotted that she gave me a kind of performance analysis role where once a week she asks me to find whatever stats and figures she needs about our team so that she can take it to the team leader meetings to report to the managers. It doesn't feel like a particularly big or important thing to do, but that's probably because I've always done it anyway, the only difference being that I've now scaled it up to get stats of the whole team rather than just me. So even though it just feels like a small task to me, it really has made me feel more included in the team and that I can (and do) make a valuable contribution. Inclusion in my job can be important, especially as I work from home.

Some other things that she said in my one to one were that I contribute more in team meetings with things like sharing canned responses to use, I'm more willing to approach team leaders and managers for help when I need it and that I'm one of the strongest members of the team in terms of in-work behaviours. These are all things that either I don't realise because it's me and I struggle to see any non-physical changes in myself, or that I just don't think are big things - again probably because it's me. Our end of year reviews ask us to rate how we think we've performed over the year out of 10, and my team leader was shocked that I only put 5 for myself when she would have put at least 9 based on the time since she took over. I think that's partly because of my autistic tendencies to want to do things right (I kind of feel like that's just standard and nothing particularly special), and also partly because I tend to under rate myself. Clearly one of the things I struggle with most is looking inward and assessing myself for how I really am.

Although autistics do have a whole load of struggles that are unique to them, there are also strengths that come with autism but human nature can make it hard to see the strengths through the struggles. In my case it just took 1 person at work to identify what I'm good at, what I enjoy and that I am different from the rest of the team to massively turn things around. There have been times in this job where I've felt like I was crap at what I do, not valued and really wishing I could get out. The only thing that really changed that for me was a different perspective from a different person. I also think that if I had my current team leader a couple of years ago I wouldn't have had to fight so hard for reasonable adjustments to be put in place. It just goes to show that acceptance is vital, and that goes for both self-acceptance and acceptance of each other.

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Autistic Christmas

It's my final blog post of 2019, which means we've just had Christmas. I hope everyone had a great Christmas. Because this was the first Christmas since I started blogging I thought it's only fitting to review the experience of Christmas from an autistic point of view. I know that depending on the circumstances it can be a tough 3 days for us neurodivergents, and if I'm honest I'm no exception. But let's start with the positives.

This year is the first year that I did Elf On The Shelf, which I quite enjoyed. I tried to use my own ideas as much as I could but there were some stolen from the internet. I'll leave pictures down at the bottom but if you follow me on Instagram you'll have seen some of my favourites such as one of the elves getting attacked by a Facehugger from Alien, the wrestling match vs my John Cena action figure, and the most popular one was the recreation of the pottery scene from Ghost. Coincidentally, 25% of my 2019 Instagram posts have come from this month, and it's all because of Elf On The Shelf! The other positive is the presents I got. My wife pre-ordered Delain's new album for me, which comes out on the same day that I see them live - so with any luck I might actually end up getting it a bit earlier. From the kids she got me a wooden coaster with outlines of all the first generation Pokémon egnraved onto it, and a bracelet with the kids' initials engraved. My mum and dad got me my joint best present (alongside Delain's new album) in the form of a 3 month subscription to the WWE Network. I'll activate it in a couple of weeks so that I can catch WrestleMania before the 3 months runs out.

Now onto my struggles. Christmas day was horrible for me once we left the house. We went to my mother-in-law's for the day and all of their side of the family came too. When I say all of their side, I mean she's got a big family of grandparents, aunts, uncles, 3 sisters etc as opposed to my side where it's just me, my mum and my dad. My sister, brother-in-law and neice would have been included in that if we didn't fall out with them a few years ago but that's neither here nor there. I hate it when the whole family get together like this because there are far too many people around in too small a house for how many there are. Because of how many of us there are there's always too much going on - too many conversations, too many conflicting interests, too many people trying to involve themselves with the kids etc. Plus the fact that my in-laws have recently got a new puppy. As much as I love dogs - or just about any animal for that matter - he gets really hyper regardless of how busy it is and he ended up upsetting my son, breaking a pair of sunglasses and knocking the Christmas tree over while I was trying to cheer my son up. My kids have been better behaved too with me having to stop and start my dinner several times to deal with various things they wanted, all while we were sat at the table which realistically was a bit to small for all of us but we managed.

My wife told me to go home a couple of times but I tried to stick it out. I had to nip back home for something after dinner anyway as we only live around the corner from my in-laws so I just stayed home for a while and sat in a dark room till things had settled down a bit. I went back just as they were finishing unwrapping their presents, so I probably timed it quite well. I know that really I should have gone home earlier than I did, but the whole "look after yourself" and "you don't have to stay if you don't want to" thing is a lot easier said than done. Half the battle for me (and I know quite a few autistics can relate) is giving myself permission to leave when I need to, and admit/recognise when I'm struggling regardless of whether others are or not. Just because everybody else manages ok it doesn't mean that we have to and it's ok to admit when you're struggling. Long story short, internalised ableism is a bitch.

Then we move onto boxing day, which wasn't as bad. Boxing day is usually when we have my family round but they had all come down with diarrhoea and sickness so they couldn't come, which was a shame because my 9 year-old niece was going to come over as well which would have been great fun for the kids. We've re-arranged seeing my side for tomorrow but it depends whether my niece can still come. Aside from my side coming to our house, boxing day is also round 2 of the day before but at our house instead of the in-laws'. Before everyone came round we went out for some shopping to get the last few bits that we needed for the buffet we were putting on, which even though I was knackered from the day before was nice to get out and take our time for a bit before the madness ensued again. The wife's side filtered in more slowly this time so it was a bit more manageable, as well as them being late. With it being in my own house I felt more comfortable to just wander about freely and spent some time in a different room reading to the kids, installing the WWE Network on my PS4 and a few other bits to stay out of the way. By the time they dug out the karaoke machine though it was time I cleared off upstairs. I plugged my headphones into my phone for some music and played Pokémon Yellow on my GameBoy Colour. I came back downstairs after everyone had gone, then once the kids were in bed we chilled and watched Big Fat Quiz Of The Year before we went to bed ourselves.

So yeah, I'm glad Christmas is over and we're back to normal now although I still feel exhausted from the "festive" few days. We took the kids shopping today and we all spent some of our Christmas money, which was nice. I'll leave you with a few of my favourite Elf On The Shelf pictures. As always, hit Subscribe to keep up to date with new posts and follow me on Twitter too @DepictDave. If you prefer Instagram you can check out all my Elf On The Shelf posts at The_Big_Shaw although I'm planning on changing that to DepictDave in the new year to make it exclusively blog-related. I'll let you know when it happens.

[Image description: Our 2 elves (the one in green and red is called Crimbo, the one in red and white is called Imbo) having a wrestling match against my John Cena action figure. They're in a wrestling ring that I made out of a square cardboard box, some paper straws as ring posts and some pipe cleaners as ropes. The ropes are red, yellow and blue to represent the 3 main brands of WWE; Raw, NXT and Smackdown. Crimbo is face down, unconscious on the box while John Cena has Imbo up on his shoulders in position for his finishing move the Attitude Adjustment.]

[Image description: Imbo is laid flat on his back on our TV unit with a Facehugger attached to his face that I made from PlayDoh. Crimbo is sat next to him leaning back against the TV with his hands over his mouth in horror.]

[Image description: Crimbo and Imbo are sat on our TV unit recreating the pottery scene from the movie Ghost. Crimbo has his hands around a large wooden bowl from my kids' play kitchen while Imbo is sat very closely behind him gently holding his arms and leaning around to one side over Crimbo's shoulder.]

Is My Son Autistic?

My son is 3 years old, about to turn 4 after Christmas. There have been things I've noticed about him that make me wonder if he might be autistic like me. Just little things and only occasionally, but there are things there making me suspect it nonetheless. We know that autism is (or at least can be) genetic, so it would completely make sense for any child of mine to potentially be autistic too. Before we dive in, I'm not saying that any given traits listed here are necessarily autism-related, rather that I feel there are too many of them to not at least consider the possibility of autism.

The first thing I've seen in him is that he seems to like lining things up neatly. I haven't seen him lining things up too often in the traditional sense, but he definitely likes building huge towers out of Lego and other things, which is essentially just lining things up but vertically instead of horizontally. He builds towers as big as he can with Lego, with Play Doh pots, sometimes with cushions. And I've found him lining things up on the floor like cars and dinosaurs before.

Something else he does is that when there's a loud noise such as a hoover or a hand dryer in a public toilet he'll cover his ears and complain that it's too loud. This is the one that I'm least convinced about being an autism trait because his sister does it too, and it never seems to actually upset him as such so I'm wondering if that's maybe just a child thing, but still. The possibility of autistic hypersensitivity can't be ruled out.

Speaking of hypersensitivity, he often complains that his eyes hurt. He had his eyes checked recently at the hospital and they found nothing wrong, which for me strengthens the case of it being a hypersensitivity to light. To be honest I haven't specifically noticed what his environment is usually like when his eyes hurt, but he has told me that it's when the lights are bright. I think it's definitely worth me noting down what the surroundings are like in future when he complains. The fact that he's had his eyes checked with no problems found is very similar to how I had my hearing checked several years ago because people noticed I couldn't hear them, yet the testing found that my hearing was fine. His eye pain could potentially be a light sensitivity just like my "hearing" issues are actually auditory processing issues.

After me mentioning that he might be autistic, my wife started to notice little things like he doesn't make eye contact that much. It's not something I've noticed myself, but that's maybe because I don't tend to do well with eye contact either. There's been times when she's had to tell him off that she's told him to look at her and he never does. It wasn't until I mentioned autism that she then realised that maybe that's why and demanding for him to look at her isn't doing any good. Because of my own aversion of eye contact, whenever I've told him off I've always told him to listen to me instead of to look at me.

He can be very hyper emotional at times. Sometimes when he shows this it can easily be put down to simply being a toddler and getting upset or throwing a tantrum as toddlers do. But other times it's not quite so subtle. When he watches anything on TV that even has the slightest bit of peril or threat he suddenly decides he doesn't like it and wants it turned off. It happened with Toy Story 1 and 2 when Buzz and Woody both lost their arms, it happened at the beginning of Ice Age when Scrat struggled to get that nut only to end up getting trampled on by a mammoth, and it even happened with the TV adaptation of The Gruffalo when the Gruffalo picked the mouse up to eat him, although he soon got used to that one. I think this is a sign of hyper empathy because he is a very caring boy and is usually happy to help or share with other people.

There are a couple of things that he is/was late at developing although I don't think that he's late to the point of being abnormal or causing a problem. His old childminder suggested that we had him referred to speech therapy because he was a bit behind but we've always put that down to him being born 8 weeks premature. The speech therapist wasn't worried and from memory I think they agreed with us. With that said there are certain sounds and words that he's currently struggling with saying so he's in the middle of being referred again, although from what we can tell it seems to be more to do with tongue tie this time than autism. We've also been trying to toilet train him for a while now, and it's only in the last couple of weeks or so that he's reached the point where he'll tell is he needs the toilet or he'll go to the toilet on his own so we've been able to completely switch him from nappies to pants until bed time. If I'm honest I think the main reason for him being delayed is that I've not been able to keep on top of training him like I really should have. He had gone backwards with toileting for a while until his nursery suggested trying him in just pants for a full day and he just took to it from there.

So there are a few reasons I think my son might be autistic. I'm not a psychologist or an expert but I think there's enough there to wonder about it. It doesn't make any difference to me or his mum whether he's autistic or not so we've got no plans to get him assessed. Whether he is or he isn't autistic nothing will change, and he's still the same handsome, funny, kind and caring boy that he's always been. All it means if he is autistic is that he's like me, which I can only see as a good thing.

I'm glad to be back to blogging after taking last week off. Let me know your thoughts and comments on this week's post and do the usual - subscribe with the button at the top, and follow me on Twitter @DepictDave. Also don't forget to send me your questions on Twitter using #AutQA for the Q&A post that I've got planned next week. You've only got 1 week to get your questions to me so do it now!

Sensory Differences

At its simplest, autism is a difference in brain structure. This difference in the brain can cause all sorts of differences in how the autistic person experiences and processes any and all sensory stimuli. I briefly touched on sensory processing when I wrote-up my support sessions that I had a few months ago, but I wanted to go through some of the atypical ways my senses work in more detail.

There are 5 classic senses that everyone knows about; these being vision, hearing, touch, taste and smell. During my support sessions when they asked us what we think the 6th sense is I joked about seeing dead people, but in all seriousness there are vestibular, proprioception and interoception, making 8 senses in all.
Vestibular is the sense of balance and spatial orientation, co-ordinating the two for movement.
Proprioception is the sense of positioning of the body and its parts in 3 dimensional space and involves the effort that's used in movement.
Interoception is the sense of what's going on inside the body and helps to understand whether you're hungry, in pain, tired etc.

With any of the senses, the person can be either over-sensitive (hypersensitive), under-sensitive (hyposensitive), or both depending on the person and the situation. Hypersensitivity can lead to things like meltdown through the stimulus being too much and triggering the person's fight/flight response. It can also cause burnout through the person having to process so much at once, especially if it's over a prolonged period of time. Hyposensitivity is often found in sensory seekers where they need to find or create additional sensory input to get the amount they need. I personally haven't had any experience of being both hyper and hyposensitive interchangeably, but it can change depending on the situation, the person and the sensory input.

The first of my sensory differences that springs to mind is my hyposensitivity to pain. This explains why I enjoy getting tattooed as it's a sensory seeking activity for me as much as it is about the tattoos themselves. It also explains why when I was hospitalised a few weeks ago with appendicitis I a) struggled to rate the pain out of 10, and b) decided it was around 6 or 7 whereas most people with appendicitis would rate it higher. It felt horrible as it was, so I dread to think what it would have been like if I had a neurotypical pain tolerance! My experience of getting admitted to hospital didn't help as I was on my knees in the A&E waiting area in agony and vomiting for quite a while before I was given a bed or any pain relief, but I digress. My last thing to mention in regard to pain processing also relates to my preference for chewing. Before I got my chewer I found myself biting my fingers to shreds and I often found it enjoyable to bite my fingers hard enough for it to hurt. I do miss the pain of it, but now that I've got my chewer it's much better for my fingers and I get enough out of it when I need to.

I've always been aware that my sense of smell isn't brilliant compared to most people. I do detect smells in the air but not always, and if I do smell anything it's often only after somebody else has mentioned it that I notice it. I also really struggle to identify what a smell is. Being a parent of 2 young kids has taught me to identify the smell of a nappy that needs changing (and sometimes even which child specifically needs changing!), but even then I don't always pick up on it. It's a similar thing with taste in that I often can't identify a certain taste without knowing what it is that I'm eating. But they do say that smell and taste are pretty much the same sense except one is in the tongue and one is in the nose.

The last one I'm going to mention isn't so much a hyper/hyposensitivity thing, rather it's more to do with the processing of it. This is my auditory processing difficulty. The example that I used in my autism assessment is that if me and my wife are both in the bathroom and one of us is in the shower while she's trying to talk to me, because of the noise of the shower I struggle to hear what she's saying even though I can hear her voice talking to me. My brain struggles to decipher both at the same time, so because the shower is the simpler one to figure out (it's a shower - it makes a shower noise) I can't figure out the words that Sarah is using despite the fact that I can hear her voice loud and clear. Looking back to when I was younger and used to go on nights out every weekend I now realise that my auditory processing issues were quite obvious back then as well. Everyone seemed to be able to hear each other absolutely fine over the music in whichever pub/club we were in but I struggled to make out what anyone was saying to me. This lead to people thinking that I needed to get my hearing checked when in fact my hearing itself has always been fine, it's just processing multiple sounds at the same time that I struggle with.

These are just the sensory differences that I'm aware of. I've been diagnosed for almost a year now but following diagnosis the journey of self-discovery and realisation can last a lifetime. There's also the fact that things can sometime change as we grow older, so I'm sure there are plenty of other differences that I'll notice and come to understand in myself as time goes on. Speaking of being diagnosed for a year, I'll be doing a special Q&A post on the week of my 1 year diagnosiversary (that's officially a word as of now), which will be in 5 weeks' time on 6th December. Please ask any and all questions that you've got for me on Twitter using the hashtag #AutQA and I'll answer them in that post next month. It doesn't even necessarily have to be about autism - depending how it goes I might answer some non-autism questions as well.

That's it from me this week. As always, please click the "Subscribe" button at the top of the page to follow the blog, and also please follow me on Twitter @DepictDave. It helps you keep up to date with the blog, and it helps me get the word out there for autism acceptance.