Sexuality

Sexual preference and gender identity are subjects that are often linked with neurodiversity. But this blog post isn't about my sexual orientation or how I identify, rather it's about my experience as a young, unknowing autistic struggling to create romantic and/or sexual relationships, and the effect that those struggles have had on me. By the way, just in case you're wondering, my orientation and identity are straight and cis (he/him pronouns).

I've been with our Sarah for 8 years now, and happily married for almost 7 of them but when I was single my relationships and dates with women were VERY few and far between - to the point that I still to this day consider it a minor miracle that I managed to attract Sarah at all. I mentioned in last week's post that I'd never had a girlfriend till I was 20 and didn't lose my virginity until I was 22. I think this combined with my always strong desire to meet somebody and settle down, yet inability to do so, damaged me to a certain extent. I should clarify first that the reason that I always wanted so badly to have sex for the first time wasn't because I wanted to lose my virginity for the sake of it. It was because I've always seen sex as something that should only be shared with someone you love, and even though realistically I knew that wasn't the case, I saw almost everyone I knew meet people and find the "love" that I so badly wanted. All I really wanted was to be/feel as valued, adequate and appreciated as everybody else was. There were a lot of times where it really got to me that I was basically being left behind and I guess the irony is that this then made it worse. By the time I was almost 23 it had worn me down so much that I ended up losing my virginity on the first date to a girl from Bradford who I met on the dating website Plenty Of Fish, and went from there into a very regrettable (but thankfully short) relationship. That relationship was the turning point of my life that knocked me onto the path to where I am now, but that's a story that I'll save for maybe another post.

The effect that I think my struggles as a teenager/young adult has had on me is all in my attitude toward sex. Maybe it's jealousy, maybe it's resentment, maybe it's because my experience (or lack thereof) has meant that certain things are unfamiliar to me, but I'm certain that my views and attitude toward sex are largely a result of my struggles to build meaningful, intimate and romantic relationships when I was younger. One of the first things that springs to mind that doesn't seem to match up with the rest of society is that I hate the idea of one night stands. I've never had one, and never wanted one. Because I've always seen sex as an expression of love I've never understood why anyone would want to have sex on a single occasion - in most cases with someone that they'd never met before so can't possibly be in love with, nor do I understand how one can attract said person they don't even know. Yes, I realise I've just contradicted myself by saying in one breath that I lost my virginity to a random girl on our first date, then in another breath saying I don't understand why you'd want to have sex with someone you didn't know. What little justification I can come up with is that;
a) when you've had next to no experience like me by a certain age it does things to you mentally so it felt like the right thing to do at the time although in hindsight it really wasn't, and
b) we'd already agreed in that early stage that we were officially a couple and had no intention of breaking up any time soon.

Linking into one night stands I don't like the casual approach to sex that a lot of society seems to have at the moment. Our Sarah sometimes likes watching trashy shows like The Sex Clinic on Channel 4 (or E4, or something like that) and the people on this kind of program almost always start bragging about how they've slept with X number of people. I've only ever slept with 2 people in my 31 years on Earth and I wish it was just the 1, so while I don't doubt that the majority of people have had more conquests (I hate that word because of its implications) than me, I do get a huge sense of bullshit from these shows. Regardless of how accurate the figures are that people report, I still find myself judging them negatively despite me being consciously well aware that people can do whatever they want to do.

I also strongly dislike the idea of sex under a certain age, and I think the age of consent should be raised from 16 to a minimum of 18. Looking back, I really don't think I was ready for various reasons even by the time I eventually had sex for the first time at almost 23. So although I know that everybody is different and is ready at different stages, I struggle to comprehend that somebody in their mid teens can be ready and legally allowed to have sex, especially with the consequences of pregnancy and STDs to consider. It goes without saying that I strongly disagree with sex under the legal age of consent, but even up to the age of around 20 I find myself very judgmental when I know I shouldn't be. Just as a side note - here in the UK you're legally allowed to have sex at 16, but you're not allowed to watch porn or other such explicit material until 18. So basically for those 2 years you're allowed to do it but not watch it... WTF is that all about???

Because I'm autistic I've always struggled to build and maintain relationships, and so because of this I've always felt excluded, isolated and inadequate when compared to my peers and the rest of society. Part of this is feeling that nobody is interested either romantically or sexually, and I've always got the impression that people are more repulsed by my own sexuality than they are by anyone else's. This has left me with massive difficulties in discussing things of a sexual nature - even with my own wife of 7 years - due to embarrassment and low self-esteem. For that reason it's been difficult for me even writing about it in this blog post but it's easier doing it here than actually talking to someone about it, especially when a lot of people seem to be fairly but not overly open about sex and able to discuss it with each other. I think my extended lack of experience and my difficulties in discussing sex with potential partners has also affected my sex drive in the long term. When I want something for such a long time and then I finally get it/have the opportunity to get it my brain decides that it's not such a big deal any more, probably because it's so used to doing without for so long. When I first became sexually active back in 2010 of course it was all great, gave me a massive confidence boost and everything else, as did the honeymoon phase of my relationship with Sarah. But eventually that wore off and I find these days that I'm generally not that interested in having sex. And let me clarify at this point that it's nothing to do with Sarah or my attraction to her as that's never changed, I still find her as beautiful and sexy now as the day we met but the issue comes completely from me. I'm happy to do it maybe once every 1 or 2 weeks, but a lot of the time I just can't be bothered and it feels like too much effort, and I think I probably feel that way more often than I should. I think my extended and non-voluntary abstinence has planted a stigma in my own brain that still affects me to this day.

I know I've said this before in a previous post, but who knows - maybe if I knew I was autistic at an early age things might have turned out different for me.