Anxiety

If you're a regular reader, or if you've read some of my older posts, chances are you'll know that alexithymia is one of the autism-related conditions I've got, which basically means I have difficulty expressing my own emotions in words, and sometimes even understanding them at all. So with that in mind it's hardly surprising that I'm only now starting to realise that I suffer more with anxiety than I ever thought I did. It's funny how things like this can be there and affect you without you even realising it. I can only remember a couple of times where I've noticed the classic symptoms of anxiety such as nausea, sweating palms and so on.

I've never been the most confident of people but I think there's much more to it than that. I'm always doubting myself, wondering if I'm doing the right thing, wonder if I/what I'm doing is good enough etc. For example, most of the time when I hit the Publish button on a new post I immediately wonder to myself if I've just written a load of crap. Someone on Twitter a while ago once said something that resonated with me quite a bit. They said that perfectionism isn't good because it's often driven by anxiety. I consider myself a perfectionist and I never thought of it like that before. One of my old jobs was preparing route packs for a distribution company and my my supervisor once praised me on how immaculate they are, but said I'm making them too perfect and spending too much time on it when I should be getting each one done as quickly as possible. This is most likely driven by anxiety that I want to do the best job I can because I don't want to get in trouble so I make it as perfect as I can, but that takes more time than they like. I ended up being made redundant from that job but my perfectionism isn't something I've ever been able to change. I'm very rigid in that sense, which is a classic autism trait. When I do something I has to be perfect, and more importantly it has to be right.

As far as I can remember I've always been one to look quite negatively on myself as well as things that could happen. If there's something that I can see a potential negative outcome for I usually spend a lot of time thinking "what if" although I like to think I'm also good at balancing out the positives and negatives and looking at the probability of each outcome. Whenever I get a notification for something on my phone, if the notification shows the first few words of the message I usually have a feeling of dread as though someone is definitely going to have a go at me, or give me some bad news or something. Somehow that doesn't tend to happen if it doesn't show the start of the message in the notification, and of course my feeling of dread is always wrong. There was one time recently where I'd done something wrong that annoyed my wife, and I spent a while thinking I'm a moron and what if she hates me and all those kind of things. This is when the logical thinking kicks in - sometimes on its own, sometimes deliberately. I start thinking that she's human and that she's an emotional and anxious person herself, and she'll calm down eventually, and whatever I did definitely doesn't warrant a divorce. I know she reads my blog so I just want to quickly clarify that I've never thought she was going to divorce me, but just using that as a worst case scenario that I can rule out to reassure myself.

When I first asked my GP back in 2017 to refer me for a second opinion on an autism diagnosis she refused and gave me the details for a self-referral mental health service that I then contacted, and they concluded that I had social anxiety. While I don't deny that I'm very socially anxious the help they gave me was a waste of time mainly because autism still wasn't addressed as the underlying cause of it. You may be wondering what difference it makes as autism isn't something to be treated or cured, but to a certain extent a diagnosis of autism can make a world of difference because it can be very validating and gives a much simpler way of explaining how you are to other people: "I'm autistic." Not that it solves anxiety - social or otherwise - but it certainly helps in my experience. They booked me in for CBT therapy and after a couple of months I realised it wasn't working and stopped. Shortly after that I went back and saw a different GP who then gave me the referral that lead to my diagnosis.

At the moment I'm fine with my anxieties because they don't cause much of an issue, but who knows - after lockdown is over my situation will most likely change so I may need to revisit CBT or a similar therapy depending on how things go. At the time of writing my employer are expecting me and the rest of my home working team to return to the office after lockdown (I've worked from home for a couple of years and we were supposed to return to the office in early April until the pandemic happend). At lot of people have come and gone in the office since I started working from home, so it'll be like going into a completely new environment when we eventually do go back. With that said, my son will be starting school in September which might give me more downtime to decompress and process things, so we'll have to see how it goes.

So there you have it. It's definitely possible to have anxiety without realising it, and I think it's safe to say that goes for almost any mental health issue as well. I'm still unpacking my anxieties bit by bit, but I hope what I've unpacked so far has been insightful and interesting. Please click Subscribe at the top of the page and follow me on social media. I'm @DepictDave on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and you can buy me a coffee at my Ko-Fi account here.

[Image description: Silhouette of a person on a chair, hunched over slightly holding their head. There are bubbles showing thoughts entering their head including "Don't," "Can't," and "What if..." Under the silhouette is the word "Autism" in rainbow colours and "Anxiety" in black under that.]

My Stims

I wrote a post a while ago about why I enjoy chewing. At the time that was my main stim. I do still chew my Chewigem button necklace, but my stims have evolved and changed since then. Either that or I'm just more aware of the things I do these days - maybe a bit of both. Because of that and because almost anything can be a stim I thought I'd go through a few more of the stims that I do.

Just as a reminder, stimming is short for self-stimulatory behaviour and the definition is a repetitive behaviour that appears to have no reason or purpose, although it helps autistics to regulate and ground themselves when they're overwhelmed or emotional.

Finger Stim (No idea what to actually call it!)
One of my more common stims that I've been doing for a while is running my thumb along the inside of my fingers on my right hand. I tend to do that when I'm talking to somebody as I'm often anxious during conversation. It's not usually something that I do consciously (which is the same for most of my stims) but I do notice myself doing it, and I think it's because it's quite a subtle thing to do, especially if I can put my hands in my pocket or something. I find that a lot of my stims are either subtle or "socially acceptable" which helps to avoid detection and awkward comments and so on. I also do it sometimes when I'm concentrating - in fact, I'm doing it now while I write this post. I tried to make gifs of my stims to demonstrate but I couldn't get it to work, so I'll just post a picture of each to help give you an idea. (Let me also apologise for my onesie and messy hair in the pictures. It was a busy day with the kids in self isolation, so I didn't get the chance to have a shower and get dressed until later on!)

[Image description: My hand during the above stim. In the image my fingers are held together and my thumb is reaching down to my little finger. While doing this stim I rub my thumb nail up along my fingers, past my index finger and back down again repeatedly.]

Flapping

It's only recently that I actually realised I'm a hand flapper. Turns out I've been doing it subconsciously for ages, but because the way I do it down by my side and with just 1 hand is very subtle compared to the traditional autistic hand flap it seems to have slipped under even my own radar. It wasn't until just a few days ago when I was tidying up in the kids' play room that I noticed myself doing it. Something else I learned not long ago about flapping is that there are actually different kinds of flap. Obviously there's my own subtle versions like this, and the classic flap where you hold your hands in front of you and flap them up and down with your arms. But it's also classed as flapping if you do it with just a wrist flicking motion similar to how you would shake water off your hands after washing them. It sounds obviously, but I guess it's just one of those things that you don't always register. It wasn't until I realised a flicking motion is also flapping that I realised what I do is flapping. I guess it shows what a difference subtlety can make.

[Image description: My hand down by my side while flapping.]

Leg Swaying/Jigging

This is probably the ultimate in subtle stims because even though it's often noticeable (I used to get told off for doing it by the girl I sat next to at one of my old jobs), it's something that almost everyone does at some point so it doesn't get questioned. I haven't posted a picture because all it's going to show is my leg, but while sitting with my foot on the ground I will either jig my leg up and down or sway it from side to side. I think I do both about equally. It's jigging up and down that I got told off for because we worked upstairs on quite a wobbly wooden floor.

Rocking

This is a classic autistic stim. Typically it's done when sat down and by rocking your upper body either forwards and backwards or from side to side. I also do a standing up variation, usually while I'm waiting in a queue for example, where I shift my balance from one leg to the other and back again to rock myself from side to side. Other than that, the times I've found myself rocking most were when my son was a baby and I used to do the night feeds. I was half asleep and I never used to realise I was rocking until my wife told me to stop it. It was probably just a thing my body did to try to keep me awake long enough to get through the feed until I could go back to sleep. I've also found myself rocking while sat with my kids reading stories or playing with Lego etc. Again, no point posting a picture because it's self explanatory and wouldn't show much.

Bouncing

The last one I'm going to mention is bouncing on my toes, which comes from when my kids were babies. I used to do it while holding them to bounce them to sleep or just settle them down and it's just carried on from there. I only do it at home and it's when I'm waiting for something like my tea to brew. When I'm bouncing I tend to wander around as well in bouncy steps. I try to keep some sort of rhythm to it but I think I usually fail, but it keeps me occupied.

[Image description: Me bouncing on my toes around my dining room. One foot is completely off the ground while the other has just the heel off the ground. I keep my heels in the air the whole time I'm bouncing.]

These are just a few examples. This list is by no means exhaustive for either me or autistics in general and it's always best to remember that everybody stims in one way or another. It's just that autistics usually stim differently, whether that's more noticeably, more often and so on. Don't forget to please click Subscribe at the top of the page and follow me on social media. I'm @DepictDave on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and you can buy me a coffee at my Ko-Fi account here.

Friendships

As an autistic person I've always struggled to make friends. That's not to say I've never had friends because I absolutely have, but the few friendships I somehow managed to make were mostly temporary and often circumstantial. I had a couple of friends at college but as soon as we graduated we pretty much stopped talking to each other. When I was at school I had a couple of friends who I spent pretty much all my time with, but didn't make friends with anyone outside of our little group of 3 until much later on in the final year of school. Looking back now they weren't all they were cracked up to be as friends, but I enjoyed what I had.

I think one of the reasons that I've never found it easy to make friends is because my special interests have never matched up with what anybody else was interested in so I didn't have anything to talk about. I've always found it hard to know what to say to other people, especially if I don't know them. Similarly, if I see anybody I haven't seen in ages I struggle to know what to say there too, which is why I don't like meeting up with people I haven't seen in years. It's like my head reverts back to them being complete strangers and I start getting anxious, even though I'm a lot more comfortable with those exact same people if I see or hear from them on a regular basis. I wouldn't go as far as saying it makes me more socially competent, but it makes me more comfortable if nothing else.

I think my definition of friendship has changed as well as I've grown older. When I was younger I used to define a friend as somebody I would be happy to go out to a pub with for example. I once explained to some colleagues at one of my old work places that there are lots of people working there who I like and get one with, but nobody I would consider a friend. There were only a handful of people at the time who I would have happy gone on a night out with, and there are even less of them these days. Nothing against most of the people I knew or work/ed with, it's just that I don't value most people's company as much as spending some quiet time on my own in peace.

Nowadays I've come to realise that I wouldn't even necessarily want to go on a night out with a friend. For example, my current team leader at work is probably the closest thing in-work that I've got to a friend. I help her with a few work bits and she's really been there for me when I needed her, brought me out of my shell and massively helped me raise my game at work. I'll be sad to lose her as my team leader when things at work change over the next couple of months, but we'll still be around to see each other which I'm glad about but that doesn't mean I'd want to go on a night out with her. I feel more comfortable going out as a team so that there are at least a few other people there meaning I can fade into the background when I need to. Just as another quick example, there's my friend Emma who I met on Twitter (you can check out her mental health blog here). We've never met in person and I can't say I'm overly keen to change that, but we've got a couple of things in common and we've tried to be there for each other when we needed it so I consider her a friend even though we don't talk online that much.

Going back to my friendships being circumstantial for a minute, almost all of my nights out when I was single had a purpose. That was to get me out and about and hopefully meet someone to start a romantic relationship with. Of course it never worked until I met my wife when I wasn't even trying to (I had bigger things to worry about that night), and it's not that I didn't like being around my friends and have fun because I really did, but for me the centre of every night out was putting myself out there to find love. Looking back, my friends did put up with a lot from me and I appreciate them being there because the search for love in itself became somewhat of an autistic special interest consuming almost every part of my life - which ironically is probably a reason it didn't work! I met my wife one night when I was doing stand-up comedy and was too preoccupied with my set and how badly it failed to worry about meeting anyone, but I did. My comedy group was another set of friends who I almost immediately fell out of touch with as soon as I started working full time and got together with Sarah so I didn't have the time to commit to the actual comedy any more like I used to.

I guess at the core of what I'm trying to say is that I don't gain anything from sociable interaction. It could either be because I'm autistic, or because I'd learned due to bullying etc that I'm better off staying reasonably isolated, or it could be a mix of both. I often wonder what neurotypicals get out of socialising with each other, and especially from small talk. To me, talking to people is a way to get information. I really don't believe that I need or want 90% of the information that people seem to give and take from each other but for some reason that I'll never understand they enjoy it. A perfect conversation for me is if one of us asks for information or an outcome, the other one gives it, and that's the end of it, we both go about our day. I feel very similarly about reading as well. It's rare that I'll ready anything for the enjoyment of it, but if it's something I want or need to know then I'll end up reading everything that I can find about it.

So that's how my autistic mind is with friendships. I'm sure a lot of autistics will likely agree with me, and so I hope it's given you an interesting insight into how we - or at least I - tick. If so, please click Subscribe at the top of the page and follow me on social media. I'm @DepictDave on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and you can buy me a coffee at my Ko-Fi account here.

[Image description: A handshake between a black hand and a white hand. The image is on a white background with "Autism" towards the bottom in rainbow colours, and "Friendships" under that in black.]

Echolalia

Echolalia is a common trait among autistics, and is simply the act of repeating words or phrases that other people have said. Very similar to this is palilalia, which is repeating your own words or phrases rather than those of others. For the purposes of this post, because echolalia and palilalia are almost exactly the same thing (both repeating words of phrases in a manner that might seem meaningless from an outside perspective) I'll refer to them both as echolalia, but of course please do be aware that the two different forms exist.

When I first discovered what echolalia is a couple of years ago it rang some major bells as it's something that I vividly remember doing as a child, and to an extent I still do it now. I remember when I was young (around primary school age although I'm not sure exactly) my mum's friend who used to cut our hair was at our house with her 2 kids, the oldest of which is the same age as me. I can't remember what I was talking to the 2 brothers about, but the oldest one noticed that I was repeating myself under my breath and commented on it. I think he had probably noticed it a few times before as well because from what I remember it's something that I used to do quite a bit. I'm not sure why but I took the fact that he'd commented on it as meaning it was something I shouldn't be doing, so I started repeating myself entirely in my head instead. Looking back, I'm not sure if there had been some sort of negative reaction to it before that. It's just making me wonder because a) why would I instantly take his comment as a negative thing when there was really nothing negative about it, and b) if I was going to repeat myself why would I only do it under my breath instead of out loud?

Anyhow, as well as repeating things I've said, I also repeat things from other people - also mainly in my head although I have been known to do it verbally when I was younger. What I've noticed about this though, is that it doesn't seem to happen in normal, everyday conversation. It's only when someone has said something funny I find myself involuntarily repeating it in my head over and over and over. I've found myself in awkward positions a couple of times because of it. For example, I had an English teacher in year 10 who was hilarious, and because of my echolalic tendency I would often replay the joke over and over in my head and I ended up still laughing at the same thing after everyone else had stopped. I did this with comedy shows on TV as well. I was a big fan of shows like Harry Enfield & Chums, and The Fast Show. But obviously laughing at the same joke for ages in your own home is a lot more comfortable than in public.

That leads me on to some of the reasons that people might repeat things that they or other people have said. In my case the reason depends on where the repeated phrase comes from. If it's from somebody else it's usually just because it's funny and therefore enjoyable. If it's from myself then it's for a more analytical reason. I often find myself repeating words and phrases to check if I could have worded it better, or to break a word down into pieces to help me work out the meaning/origin of it. Just as a quick demonstration, I like dinosaurs as much as the next person which lead me to thinking about the origins of some of their names. I broke down the word Triceratops into Tri-Cera-Tops. I won't bore you with how I reached my conclusion, but I worked out correctly that it translates literally to "three horns on its face". These are the main reasons for echolalia, although it could also just be a pleasurable sound that is used as a verbal/auditory stim.

As always, I hope this post has been informative and maybe even given a bit of a light bulb moment like I had when I first heard of echolalia. If you found this post helpful and interesting don't forget to subscribe with the button at the top of the page, follow me on Twitter @DepictDave and retweet this post to spread the word!