Group Support Session 1 - Intro

When I was diagnosed Autistic in December they offered me some support sessions (either group or one-to-one) to help me get my head around my diagnosis. I never knew what I could/wanted to gain from these support sessions so I never took them up on their offer until recently when I had a phone call chasing up whether I'd be interested in sessions starting 29th May. I still didn't know what there was to gain from them, but a number of people have encouraged me to go to the sessions so I decided if I'm not there I can't gain anything and went for it.

My first session was 2 days ago and it was interesting despite being mainly an introductory session so that we all get to know each other and have an understanding of what we'll be covering over the remaining 4 sessions. There were 3 of us there, plus 2 adjudicators. There's actually 6 of us in our group, but this week one of them couldn't make it, one was ill and the other was AWOL leaving just the 3 of us for the time being. I was just happy that I met somebody else who chews like me!

Bits of the session itself were interesting. We covered the reasoning behind some of the tests that were done during our assessments, which was nice to get some insight into what they were actually looking for and how - half of which I didn't pick up on at the time, but I guess that's the point.

I'm looking forward to next week's session to get properly into the material and see what I can learn. If I remember rightly, I think it's about the social and relationship side of autism next week, which is the bit that affects me most. I just wanted to do a quick blog post about this week's session just to keep you all updated, and because I'm having a busy day today so haven't got the time to write a usual lengthy post. I'll probably blog about next week's session next week, so stay tuned for any useful insights I might gain in the coming weeks!

My Dream Job (And Why I Can't Do It)

As a kid the career I always wanted was to be an RSPCA inspector. I've always loved animals, which I gather is something that a lot of autistics have in common. In fact, I've always preferred animals over people and I wanted to do anything I could to help look after and protect them. So I left school with a career as an RSPCA inspector firmly in mind and went straight into college for 4 years to end up with a Foundation Degree in Animal Management. After I left college it became apparent that the kind of job I was looking for in the long run was almost nowhere to be seen in my local area, so in the end I settled for a while in retail (and hated it) before transitioning into office work.

It wasn't until I discovered that I might be autistic that I started to think about whether I would have actually been able to do the job as an RSPCA inspector even though realistically the boat on chasing that dream was already long gone. As I started to learn more about autism, and therefore myself, I started to look at myself side by side against the requirements of an inspector and slowly realised that even if I managed to find that job or similar jobs available I most likely wouldn't have been able to do it. When I was younger the only thing that I thought might have been an issue was that I'm not a strong swimmer. I can swim but not very well, so I wouldn't be the ideal candidate for rescuing animals out at sea. Rescuing animals is pretty much the only thing people think of when they think about what an RSPCA inspector does, but there's so much more to it than that.

Because of my autism I struggle to interact with other humans and I have little to no interpersonal skills. People skills are an absolute must for the job because while it's all well and good going around saving animals' lives it also means that I would come across some hostile owners/keepers of said animals. I'm absolutely useless at negotiations and this would be a key skill that I'd need if I was to successfully and safely rescue animals from abusive, neglectful or otherwise hostile people. As well as dealing with owners I'd need to liaise with police from time to time as well as any other relevant authorities, managers, event organisers and so on.

Executive functioning would have caused me some issues when it comes to all the paperwork and general organisation that I'd be responsible for. Add this to the long and unsociable hours and it'd soon turn into a minefield! Obviously I wouldn't have thought of this when I was a kid but these days I've got kids of my own that need me so that's another reason that it wouldn't work. It was bad enough when I used to work in the office because I used to set off to work before they were even awake, and then by the time I got home I'd be able to spend maybe an hour with them - or 2 if I was lucky - before their bed time. Those were set hours that I was working at the time, so the varying hours of an inspector would cause chaos with our family.

When you apply to be an RSPCA inspector there's always the possibility of being posted somewhere far away meaning you might have to relocate to take on the job. I didn't think this would be an issue growing up, but again as I learned more about myself (particularly in the last couple of years) I've started to realise that I'm not as independent as I first thought I was, so thinking about it these days I really don't know if I would have been able to manage relocating had I applied and got the job before I met Sarah and settled down.

If you asked me today what my dream job would be I'd say pro wrestler. In fact, I wouldn't even be that bothered if I did it as a career, it's just something I want to do regardless of how far or how serious I get with it. I did look for a wrestling school when I was in my early 20's and used to go to the gym 5 times a week, but I couldn't find one near me and that's my biggest regret these days. Over the last few years I've started going to independent British wrestling shows quite a bit, and the main promotion that I follow does training classes in Leeds. It's just typical that when I finally find one that I could go to it's too late because my life has changed so much so I no longer have the time or the money to commit to it.

Identity

Many autistics consider autism to be an intertwined part of their identity rather than an additional condition that plays no part in defining them as a person. I'm one of the many who identify as autistic and I'll always use identity-first language rather than person-first language when talking about myself and other autistics, although I'm quite relaxed in what language other people use when talking about me.

Just for clarity:
Identity-first language = autistic person (e.g. "Dave is autistic")
Person-first language = person with autism (e.g. "Dave has autism")

Because I was late-diagnosed in my 30's and I'd never even considered autism as a realistic possibility until my mid-20's I obviously haven't always had that identity. In fact, until recent years I used to feel a distinct lack of identity. I spent my first quarter of a century or more trying to figure out who I am, wondering where I belong and searching for something that made me valid.

Growing up there were 2 main things that reflected who I was and who I wanted to be. The first thing was my overwhelming desire to meet somebody and form a serious romantic relationship. I was lagging behind everybody else when it came to building relationships and this was very frustrating for me until I met Sarah. Now that I'm married with kids I've got everything I ever wanted and I've become what I always wanted to be in that I'm a family man; happily married and dad to 2 amazing kids. I won't spend too much time dwelling on the romance side of things because I've covered it before in previous posts, but I always wanted that to be who I was.

The other side is who I was/who I am, and this was something that's always been under the surface but was never realised or properly identified until I was waiting for my autism referral. For as long as I can remember I've always known that I was different to other people, but I'd never known why until at least my mid-20's when we realised that autism was a very real possibility. And even then, it took a while for me to come to terms with it and begin to identify as autistic. I expressed my differences with other people through my goth phase in my late teens and early 20's. I would do whatever I could to stand out by wearing nail varnish and eyeliner, I grew my hair long, I would look for the most unique clothes I could find which were usually covered in chains, buckles and straps. I even bought a chain mail vest just like the one Jack Black wore in the Master Exploder scene from the film Tenacious D: The Pick Of Destiny.

[Image description: Animated gif of Tenacious D on stage during the Master Exploder scene from Tenacious D: The Pick Of Destiny. Jack Black is wearing a chain mail vest and knocks down a flaming microphone while Kyle Gass plays guitar next to him.]

There was definitely an element of my goth phase being an attention thing, but looking back I'd say it was more of a search for an identity. I knew I was different from everybody else but didn't have the knowledge of autism to establish it as the reason. I've never liked bright colours and always much preferred black. I was newly into rock and metal music as I'd started to discover that there was more than the mainstream musicians that were in the charts. So I took my inspiration from bands like Tenacious D, Three Days Grace, Nightwish and Within Temptation, and I turned it up to 11 to express that I am in fact not like anybody else. There was a lot of criticism and because I didn't know what made me different I couldn't explain why I dressed different other than just to be different. Since I settled down with Sarah and since I started to identify as autistic I really don't feel the need to dress gothic any more as I understand who I am now and I'm comfortable and happy with myself. Sarah actually said to me recently that if I wanted to start wearing nail varnish and things again I can, but I really wouldn't want to these days. I do still listen to rock and metal, and I do still wear mostly black (even in summer!) and I do occasionally think about growing my hair long again but I don't really consider myself a goth any more.

Having an identity is important to everybody and when that identity hasn't been discovered yet or is suppressed or ignored it can be very stressful for the person. It's made more complicated by the fact that your identity isn't necessarily just one thing - it can be a combination of multiple aspects of you and your personality. But in my experience your true self will always come out eventually in one way or another, it's just that it could take a while perhaps waiting for the right person or the right time/events to bring it out and let you be yourself.

An Autistic Point Of View - The Campaign To End Loneliness

Earlier today I saw a video on Twitter from the Campaign To End Loneliness. This video is entitled Lets Talk More, it stars stand-up comedian and regular Mock The Week panelist Andy Parsons, and is aimed at getting people to talk to each other more with the goal of building little connections that help to combat loneliness. If you're interested in watching the video please click here. Let me first say that the idea behind the campaign is great, and I'm sure that with a reported 9 million people in the UK experiencing loneliness it's certainly something that can be considered a problem. However, my first thought upon seeing the video was that while most people would more than likely be happy to have little small-talk conversations with each other and would feel very comfortable with it, people like me definitely wouldn't. This is something that's common in the autistic community.

Seeing the video on Twitter earlier today was the first I'd heard of the Campaign To End Loneliness, and having researched the campaign a little bit online it does seem aimed more at helping older people, who make up 4 million of the aforementioned 9 million lonely people. This focus on the elderly does make more sense to me than what I initially took from the video because the elderly come from a pre-internet and pre-social media generation where people did talk to each other a lot more than they do now, but there is still the question of the remaining 5 million people that they're aiming to help. I personally don't like to interact with people where I can avoid it. The reason I prefer this is because I (as well as many other autistic people) feel more alone when I'm with people than when I'm actually on my own. Even when the conversation is going well I still often feel that I'm not connecting with the people, I start to wonder what the point in the conversation/situation is, and I soon decide that I don't want to be there.

It could be for a few different reasons that this happens but I think the main reason is that I have a lack of control over the other person/people. Not that I want to control people in the sense of what they do, but because other people aren't me I can't control where the conversation goes. I often find that the person I'm talking to doesn't like wrestling or symphonic metal, and I don't like whatever the other person likes - if I'm talking to a bloke then they usually drag me into a conversation about cars or Call Of Duty or other typically laddish things that are really, REALLY not me.

The problem that I find with campaigns like this is that they seem to follow a very rigid way of thinking, which is based on the majority and usually not flexible for the rest of us. When I first watched the Andy Parsons video it came across as very much a case of "You need to talk to people, it'll be good for you." While I'm confident that's true for most - if not all - neurotypicals, we autistics don't seem to have as much to benefit from it. Firstly there are those of us like me who would just plain rather not interact with people where we can help it. I personally am happy with the company of my wife, my kids and my cat, and that's it. I'm happy for my wife to have her friends and family round and things like that because it's in a familiar environment, but in terms of whether I specifically want to see anybody myself the answer is no.

There's also the unavoidable issue of interaction between autistics and neurotypicals which is something of a double-edged sword for us. Autistic masking is a survival strategy that many of us have learned to do so that we blend into the neurotypical world and can get on with our daily lives. Masking does however come with a cost. It can cause mental health issues due to repressing our true selves, and it can also use up lots of our energy and lead to meltdowns, shutdowns, dissociation etc. The other side of the double-edged sword is that if we don't mask and we try to make these little connections with everybody else as the campaign is suggesting, we risk a negative reaction from neurotypicals, being labeled as weird (or worse!) and being ridiculed or even threatened for being who we are. So oftentimes, as an autistic person it's not worth making these connections with the rest of society even if we wanted to.

The final point I wanted to make is what happens when neurotypicals try to start an unwanted conversation with autistics. Obviously we live our lives just like everyone else and we need to go out and about for various reasons where we're exposed for better or worse to the neurotypical world. If somebody tries to make small talk with me I generally don't know what to do. I handle it by answering their question/statement but not giving much else in return. I do that so that I've tried to not be rude by ignoring them, but also so that they've got nothing else to continue the conversation with in the hopes that it stops. But then that leaves me wondering if I've just been a massive bellend to them by not giving them what they wanted. I do suffer occasionally from social anxiety and I've had incidents where I've been to gigs and people have dragged me into conversations, and the effect it's had on me is that I've felt sick from it, I've felt cold yet sweaty, my mouth's gone dry and so on. Conversely, if I'm at work and people try to talk to me I manage ok with it although I'd still rather keep myself to myself. I think that's because when I'm at work I'm not there to talk to people or make friends. We're all there to do a job so I don't mind just making an excuse to cut the conversation short and get back to work as it feels like a helpful get out clause.

So the Campaign To End Loneliness is no doubt well intentioned, and I'm sure it'll help a lot of people who want and/or need it. But it needs to be executed carefully to keep in mind the needs of those of us who don't want direct human interaction, especially with strangers. The campaign could probably do with the inclusion of education on who to speak to, when and how. For example, there are a lot of autistics who put up barriers in public such as wearing headphones, dark sunglasses and other things, but all too often these barriers and signals not to approach are either not understood or are completely ignored. Ignoring barriers like this seems particularly common among men towards women who have their barriers up. All I'm saying is do what you can if you're trying to make more connections off the back of the campaign, but regardless of who you or the other person are just be mindful and think about whether they're likely to want to interact. They might have barriers up that may seem abnormal or unreasonable to you, but you don't know what their reasons are. And if you do find yourself naturally in a conversation with someone, be kind and thoughtful as there's a strong chance that their brain works differently to yours.

Autism At Work

Autism can often be a challenging thing to deal with in the workplace. Difficulties can occur every step of the way from getting an employer to hire you (especially if you disclose to them in the recruitment process that you're autistic), to carrying out your daily role if your employer is unwilling to make any adjustments or offer any allowances. Needless to say, all employees should be given the same chance to perform to the best of their ability in their role regardless of who they are or whether they have any physical or mental restrictions. Employers aren't always as flexible as they should be in providing these allowances though, and this is something that I personally have battled with for a year or so now (although I won't go into any specific details here on the blog).

It can often be the case that the simplest of things can make the biggest difference. Does the employee struggle with sensory overload from a noisy environment? The employer should let them wear noise-cancelling headphones. Does the employee need a little more time to make sure they're doing their job properly? The employer should provide a bit more time and/or offer some flexibility in any targets. Does the employee struggle with verbal interactions? The employer should allow as much interaction as possible via e-mail, text or other messaging channels. Just as a side note, I do often struggle myself to process things quickly enough or to get my point across properly in verbal conversations so I've found messaging and e-mails to be very helpful. I'm lucky enough that I work in webchat, which makes my role a largely digital one with minimal face to face or verbal interaction.

And it's not just autistics with a formal diagnosis who should be eligible for adjustments. Self-diagnosis is valid for a number of reasons - especially where it's difficult/not possible to get a formal diagnosis - and at the end of the day, who knows you better than you! In the UK the Equality Act 2010 states that a diagnosis isn't required for reasonable adjustments to be made at work in relation to any disability whether mental or physical. All of the following 3 criteria do have to be met:

• It has to affect normal day to day activities outside of work
• It has to be substantial
• It has to be either a long term condition of more than 12 months, or be life-long.

As long as you meet all of these 3 conditions your employer legally can't refuse to put reasonable adjustments in place for you. However, if they do there are still options available to you such as contacting citizen's advice, ACAS, your union if you're a member of one, or raising a formal grievance.

Autism is different for everyone and it can often be both a gift and a curse.When it comes down to it, we autistics often have skills and qualities that set us apart from our neurotypical colleagues but we can sometimes just need a little bit of help to unlock the potential that it gives us. Sometimes this is as simple as reducing outside distractions and can work wonders for productivity, thus making us hugely valuable employees given the chance.

The information in this post is based on UK law and my experience as a UK resident. If you live and/or work outside of the UK please look to your government or any local resources available to you for support and guidance if you need it.

Autistic At A Wedding

I went to a wedding on Tuesday. My friend Graham got married and me, the wife and the kids were all invited to the night do but I ended up going on my own because Sarah's tired from working night shifts as well as various other things she had going on, and the kids were at nursery that day. Even if they weren't I didn't fancy contending with 2 tired toddlers on my own while surrounded by almost nobody but strangers.

If I'm honest, I didn't really want to go, but I went because I felt like I should. I didn't want to go for a few different reasons. The last time I saw Graham was about a year ago and when I haven't seen people in a while I always struggle talking to them. Including Graham there were a grand total of 3 people there who I knew, and even then I don't know the other 2 that well. It was in a place I was unfamiliar with and a fairly long drive away from the comforts of home and family, and regardless of who I knew I don't tend to do well when surrounded by a large crowd in a closed off area - I struggle enough when we have Sarah's big family around at our house all at the same time. But I went to the wedding anyway to show my face for an hour or so and it admittedly wasn't as bad as I was expecting, although the fact that I didn't really know anyone there did make it feel a bit pointless as I was sat there on my own for parts of it scrolling Twitter. It's also worth mentioning that this was the first time I'd been out to a social gathering since getting my autism diagnosis and publicly coming out as autistic.

I bought Graham and Teri a card on my way there and got £10 to put in it. The cash machine at the shop wasn't working so I had to buy something and get cashback instead, which ended up being a pack of biscuits that was consumed in its entirety by me on my way to the wedding because of my nerves. Once the biscuits were finished I found myself gnawing like a starving beaver on my Chewigem button necklace instead. When I first got there I parked up around the corner from the main area where everyone was and sat in the car for a few minutes thinking to myself how I didn't want to go in. Partly because I wasn't keen on being there in the first place, but also because everyone else was already there and having a good time outside and I really don't like interrupting/drawing attention to myself. I gave it a few minutes, took a deep breath and took the plunge. Luckily Graham was outside and I recognised his voice a mile away so I followed it and went straight to him to say hi and congratulations.

I had a chat with Graham for a little bit at first and it was nice to speak to him after so long, but we (or at least I) quickly ran out of things to talk about. He was kind enough to buy me a coke since I didn't take any money with me because I was only planning on staying an hour or 2. Then we went back outside and joined the group of his friends/colleagues who all went on his stag do. As much as I like Graham I always forget how laddish he and his group are, which just isn't me at all and I found myself awkwardly in the middle of a conversation about guns (mainly of the paint balling/air soft kind, although Graham does go hunting) and other "manly" things that I have no interest in. The group split up and re-joined each other sporadically as you do at weddings when you're trying to mingle and I found a seat and just tried to mind my own business while scrolling Twitter. I started thinking about this on the drive home and realised that maybe one of the reasons I don't like talking to people is because I can't control them. Being autistic I've got my special interest in wrestling and I find that a lot of other things I like are things that most people don't like or know about, just like I don't know enough to have had any reasonable input in the guns conversation. Because I can't control what people say or what we talk about I think this is possibly one of the main things that I worry about in social situations, and the lack of compatibility between my interests and the "normal" interests in society causes a large disconnect between me and everybody else. As well as this, I like to have a level of certainty in things that I do, which I don't get when I can't control things.

I do feel like I should have mentioned my diagnosis to Graham when he asked me how I've been at the start, but I chose not to because I didn't get any sort of response or acknowledgement at all from him or anybody else in the stag do Messenger group when I posted a link to my Just Giving page back when I was trying to raise money as part of World Autism Awareness Week. I really don't think Graham would understand anyway even if I did bring it up because he's always been quite old fashioned in a way, and the laddishness that I mentioned before doesn't help fill me with confidence that news of my diagnosis would be warmly received. What he did say to me though is that I should go round to his house for a proper catch up at some point soon, which we haven't done in absolutely ages. Back when I was single we used to have DVD/PlayStation nights at his house sometimes so it'd be nice to do that again. I'll give him a week or 2 to get back from honeymoon and then maybe give him a message to arrange something. Maybe if it's just me and Graham (and probably his new wife Teri as well) I might feel a bit more comfortable discussing my autism away from the rest of the world. I think it'd be important to explain why I am how I am socially, especially when we haven't really seen each other in ages.

Sexuality

Sexual preference and gender identity are subjects that are often linked with neurodiversity. But this blog post isn't about my sexual orientation or how I identify, rather it's about my experience as a young, unknowing autistic struggling to create romantic and/or sexual relationships, and the effect that those struggles have had on me. By the way, just in case you're wondering, my orientation and identity are straight and cis (he/him pronouns).

I've been with our Sarah for 8 years now, and happily married for almost 7 of them but when I was single my relationships and dates with women were VERY few and far between - to the point that I still to this day consider it a minor miracle that I managed to attract Sarah at all. I mentioned in last week's post that I'd never had a girlfriend till I was 20 and didn't lose my virginity until I was 22. I think this combined with my always strong desire to meet somebody and settle down, yet inability to do so, damaged me to a certain extent. I should clarify first that the reason that I always wanted so badly to have sex for the first time wasn't because I wanted to lose my virginity for the sake of it. It was because I've always seen sex as something that should only be shared with someone you love, and even though realistically I knew that wasn't the case, I saw almost everyone I knew meet people and find the "love" that I so badly wanted. All I really wanted was to be/feel as valued, adequate and appreciated as everybody else was. There were a lot of times where it really got to me that I was basically being left behind and I guess the irony is that this then made it worse. By the time I was almost 23 it had worn me down so much that I ended up losing my virginity on the first date to a girl from Bradford who I met on the dating website Plenty Of Fish, and went from there into a very regrettable (but thankfully short) relationship. That relationship was the turning point of my life that knocked me onto the path to where I am now, but that's a story that I'll save for maybe another post.

The effect that I think my struggles as a teenager/young adult has had on me is all in my attitude toward sex. Maybe it's jealousy, maybe it's resentment, maybe it's because my experience (or lack thereof) has meant that certain things are unfamiliar to me, but I'm certain that my views and attitude toward sex are largely a result of my struggles to build meaningful, intimate and romantic relationships when I was younger. One of the first things that springs to mind that doesn't seem to match up with the rest of society is that I hate the idea of one night stands. I've never had one, and never wanted one. Because I've always seen sex as an expression of love I've never understood why anyone would want to have sex on a single occasion - in most cases with someone that they'd never met before so can't possibly be in love with, nor do I understand how one can attract said person they don't even know. Yes, I realise I've just contradicted myself by saying in one breath that I lost my virginity to a random girl on our first date, then in another breath saying I don't understand why you'd want to have sex with someone you didn't know. What little justification I can come up with is that;
a) when you've had next to no experience like me by a certain age it does things to you mentally so it felt like the right thing to do at the time although in hindsight it really wasn't, and
b) we'd already agreed in that early stage that we were officially a couple and had no intention of breaking up any time soon.

Linking into one night stands I don't like the casual approach to sex that a lot of society seems to have at the moment. Our Sarah sometimes likes watching trashy shows like The Sex Clinic on Channel 4 (or E4, or something like that) and the people on this kind of program almost always start bragging about how they've slept with X number of people. I've only ever slept with 2 people in my 31 years on Earth and I wish it was just the 1, so while I don't doubt that the majority of people have had more conquests (I hate that word because of its implications) than me, I do get a huge sense of bullshit from these shows. Regardless of how accurate the figures are that people report, I still find myself judging them negatively despite me being consciously well aware that people can do whatever they want to do.

I also strongly dislike the idea of sex under a certain age, and I think the age of consent should be raised from 16 to a minimum of 18. Looking back, I really don't think I was ready for various reasons even by the time I eventually had sex for the first time at almost 23. So although I know that everybody is different and is ready at different stages, I struggle to comprehend that somebody in their mid teens can be ready and legally allowed to have sex, especially with the consequences of pregnancy and STDs to consider. It goes without saying that I strongly disagree with sex under the legal age of consent, but even up to the age of around 20 I find myself very judgmental when I know I shouldn't be. Just as a side note - here in the UK you're legally allowed to have sex at 16, but you're not allowed to watch porn or other such explicit material until 18. So basically for those 2 years you're allowed to do it but not watch it... WTF is that all about???

Because I'm autistic I've always struggled to build and maintain relationships, and so because of this I've always felt excluded, isolated and inadequate when compared to my peers and the rest of society. Part of this is feeling that nobody is interested either romantically or sexually, and I've always got the impression that people are more repulsed by my own sexuality than they are by anyone else's. This has left me with massive difficulties in discussing things of a sexual nature - even with my own wife of 7 years - due to embarrassment and low self-esteem. For that reason it's been difficult for me even writing about it in this blog post but it's easier doing it here than actually talking to someone about it, especially when a lot of people seem to be fairly but not overly open about sex and able to discuss it with each other. I think my extended lack of experience and my difficulties in discussing sex with potential partners has also affected my sex drive in the long term. When I want something for such a long time and then I finally get it/have the opportunity to get it my brain decides that it's not such a big deal any more, probably because it's so used to doing without for so long. When I first became sexually active back in 2010 of course it was all great, gave me a massive confidence boost and everything else, as did the honeymoon phase of my relationship with Sarah. But eventually that wore off and I find these days that I'm generally not that interested in having sex. And let me clarify at this point that it's nothing to do with Sarah or my attraction to her as that's never changed, I still find her as beautiful and sexy now as the day we met but the issue comes completely from me. I'm happy to do it maybe once every 1 or 2 weeks, but a lot of the time I just can't be bothered and it feels like too much effort, and I think I probably feel that way more often than I should. I think my extended and non-voluntary abstinence has planted a stigma in my own brain that still affects me to this day.

I know I've said this before in a previous post, but who knows - maybe if I knew I was autistic at an early age things might have turned out different for me.