Just for clarity:
Identity-first language = autistic person (e.g. "Dave is autistic")
Person-first language = person with autism (e.g. "Dave has autism")
Because I was late-diagnosed in my 30's and I'd never even considered autism as a realistic possibility until my mid-20's I obviously haven't always had that identity. In fact, until recent years I used to feel a distinct lack of identity. I spent my first quarter of a century or more trying to figure out who I am, wondering where I belong and searching for something that made me valid.
Growing up there were 2 main things that reflected who I was and who I wanted to be. The first thing was my overwhelming desire to meet somebody and form a serious romantic relationship. I was lagging behind everybody else when it came to building relationships and this was very frustrating for me until I met Sarah. Now that I'm married with kids I've got everything I ever wanted and I've become what I always wanted to be in that I'm a family man; happily married and dad to 2 amazing kids. I won't spend too much time dwelling on the romance side of things because I've covered it before in previous posts, but I always wanted that to be who I was.
The other side is who I was/who I am, and this was something that's always been under the surface but was never realised or properly identified until I was waiting for my autism referral. For as long as I can remember I've always known that I was different to other people, but I'd never known why until at least my mid-20's when we realised that autism was a very real possibility. And even then, it took a while for me to come to terms with it and begin to identify as autistic. I expressed my differences with other people through my goth phase in my late teens and early 20's. I would do whatever I could to stand out by wearing nail varnish and eyeliner, I grew my hair long, I would look for the most unique clothes I could find which were usually covered in chains, buckles and straps. I even bought a chain mail vest just like the one Jack Black wore in the Master Exploder scene from the film Tenacious D: The Pick Of Destiny.
There was definitely an element of my goth phase being an attention thing, but looking back I'd say it was more of a search for an identity. I knew I was different from everybody else but didn't have the knowledge of autism to establish it as the reason. I've never liked bright colours and always much preferred black. I was newly into rock and metal music as I'd started to discover that there was more than the mainstream musicians that were in the charts. So I took my inspiration from bands like Tenacious D, Three Days Grace, Nightwish and Within Temptation, and I turned it up to 11 to express that I am in fact not like anybody else. There was a lot of criticism and because I didn't know what made me different I couldn't explain why I dressed different other than just to be different. Since I settled down with Sarah and since I started to identify as autistic I really don't feel the need to dress gothic any more as I understand who I am now and I'm comfortable and happy with myself. Sarah actually said to me recently that if I wanted to start wearing nail varnish and things again I can, but I really wouldn't want to these days. I do still listen to rock and metal, and I do still wear mostly black (even in summer!) and I do occasionally think about growing my hair long again but I don't really consider myself a goth any more.
Having an identity is important to everybody and when that identity hasn't been discovered yet or is suppressed or ignored it can be very stressful for the person. It's made more complicated by the fact that your identity isn't necessarily just one thing - it can be a combination of multiple aspects of you and your personality. But in my experience your true self will always come out eventually in one way or another, it's just that it could take a while perhaps waiting for the right person or the right time/events to bring it out and let you be yourself.
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