I went to a wedding on Tuesday. My friend Graham got married and me, the wife and the kids were all invited to the night do but I ended up going on my own because Sarah's tired from working night shifts as well as various other things she had going on, and the kids were at nursery that day. Even if they weren't I didn't fancy contending with 2 tired toddlers on my own while surrounded by almost nobody but strangers.
If I'm honest, I didn't really want to go, but I went because I felt like I should. I didn't want to go for a few different reasons. The last time I saw Graham was about a year ago and when I haven't seen people in a while I always struggle talking to them. Including Graham there were a grand total of 3 people there who I knew, and even then I don't know the other 2 that well. It was in a place I was unfamiliar with and a fairly long drive away from the comforts of home and family, and regardless of who I knew I don't tend to do well when surrounded by a large crowd in a closed off area - I struggle enough when we have Sarah's big family around at our house all at the same time. But I went to the wedding anyway to show my face for an hour or so and it admittedly wasn't as bad as I was expecting, although the fact that I didn't really know anyone there did make it feel a bit pointless as I was sat there on my own for parts of it scrolling Twitter. It's also worth mentioning that this was the first time I'd been out to a social gathering since getting my autism diagnosis and publicly coming out as autistic.
I bought Graham and Teri a card on my way there and got £10 to put in it. The cash machine at the shop wasn't working so I had to buy something and get cashback instead, which ended up being a pack of biscuits that was consumed in its entirety by me on my way to the wedding because of my nerves. Once the biscuits were finished I found myself gnawing like a starving beaver on my Chewigem button necklace instead. When I first got there I parked up around the corner from the main area where everyone was and sat in the car for a few minutes thinking to myself how I didn't want to go in. Partly because I wasn't keen on being there in the first place, but also because everyone else was already there and having a good time outside and I really don't like interrupting/drawing attention to myself. I gave it a few minutes, took a deep breath and took the plunge. Luckily Graham was outside and I recognised his voice a mile away so I followed it and went straight to him to say hi and congratulations.
I had a chat with Graham for a little bit at first and it was nice to speak to him after so long, but we (or at least I) quickly ran out of things to talk about. He was kind enough to buy me a coke since I didn't take any money with me because I was only planning on staying an hour or 2. Then we went back outside and joined the group of his friends/colleagues who all went on his stag do. As much as I like Graham I always forget how laddish he and his group are, which just isn't me at all and I found myself awkwardly in the middle of a conversation about guns (mainly of the paint balling/air soft kind, although Graham does go hunting) and other "manly" things that I have no interest in. The group split up and re-joined each other sporadically as you do at weddings when you're trying to mingle and I found a seat and just tried to mind my own business while scrolling Twitter. I started thinking about this on the drive home and realised that maybe one of the reasons I don't like talking to people is because I can't control them. Being autistic I've got my special interest in wrestling and I find that a lot of other things I like are things that most people don't like or know about, just like I don't know enough to have had any reasonable input in the guns conversation. Because I can't control what people say or what we talk about I think this is possibly one of the main things that I worry about in social situations, and the lack of compatibility between my interests and the "normal" interests in society causes a large disconnect between me and everybody else. As well as this, I like to have a level of certainty in things that I do, which I don't get when I can't control things.
I bought Graham and Teri a card on my way there and got £10 to put in it. The cash machine at the shop wasn't working so I had to buy something and get cashback instead, which ended up being a pack of biscuits that was consumed in its entirety by me on my way to the wedding because of my nerves. Once the biscuits were finished I found myself gnawing like a starving beaver on my Chewigem button necklace instead. When I first got there I parked up around the corner from the main area where everyone was and sat in the car for a few minutes thinking to myself how I didn't want to go in. Partly because I wasn't keen on being there in the first place, but also because everyone else was already there and having a good time outside and I really don't like interrupting/drawing attention to myself. I gave it a few minutes, took a deep breath and took the plunge. Luckily Graham was outside and I recognised his voice a mile away so I followed it and went straight to him to say hi and congratulations.
I had a chat with Graham for a little bit at first and it was nice to speak to him after so long, but we (or at least I) quickly ran out of things to talk about. He was kind enough to buy me a coke since I didn't take any money with me because I was only planning on staying an hour or 2. Then we went back outside and joined the group of his friends/colleagues who all went on his stag do. As much as I like Graham I always forget how laddish he and his group are, which just isn't me at all and I found myself awkwardly in the middle of a conversation about guns (mainly of the paint balling/air soft kind, although Graham does go hunting) and other "manly" things that I have no interest in. The group split up and re-joined each other sporadically as you do at weddings when you're trying to mingle and I found a seat and just tried to mind my own business while scrolling Twitter. I started thinking about this on the drive home and realised that maybe one of the reasons I don't like talking to people is because I can't control them. Being autistic I've got my special interest in wrestling and I find that a lot of other things I like are things that most people don't like or know about, just like I don't know enough to have had any reasonable input in the guns conversation. Because I can't control what people say or what we talk about I think this is possibly one of the main things that I worry about in social situations, and the lack of compatibility between my interests and the "normal" interests in society causes a large disconnect between me and everybody else. As well as this, I like to have a level of certainty in things that I do, which I don't get when I can't control things.
I do feel like I should have mentioned my diagnosis to Graham when he asked me how I've been at the start, but I chose not to because I didn't get any sort of response or acknowledgement at all from him or anybody else in the stag do Messenger group when I posted a link to my Just Giving page back when I was trying to raise money as part of World Autism Awareness Week. I really don't think Graham would understand anyway even if I did bring it up because he's always been quite old fashioned in a way, and the laddishness that I mentioned before doesn't help fill me with confidence that news of my diagnosis would be warmly received. What he did say to me though is that I should go round to his house for a proper catch up at some point soon, which we haven't done in absolutely ages. Back when I was single we used to have DVD/PlayStation nights at his house sometimes so it'd be nice to do that again. I'll give him a week or 2 to get back from honeymoon and then maybe give him a message to arrange something. Maybe if it's just me and Graham (and probably his new wife Teri as well) I might feel a bit more comfortable discussing my autism away from the rest of the world. I think it'd be important to explain why I am how I am socially, especially when we haven't really seen each other in ages.
No comments:
Post a Comment