Autistic At A Wedding

I went to a wedding on Tuesday. My friend Graham got married and me, the wife and the kids were all invited to the night do but I ended up going on my own because Sarah's tired from working night shifts as well as various other things she had going on, and the kids were at nursery that day. Even if they weren't I didn't fancy contending with 2 tired toddlers on my own while surrounded by almost nobody but strangers.

If I'm honest, I didn't really want to go, but I went because I felt like I should. I didn't want to go for a few different reasons. The last time I saw Graham was about a year ago and when I haven't seen people in a while I always struggle talking to them. Including Graham there were a grand total of 3 people there who I knew, and even then I don't know the other 2 that well. It was in a place I was unfamiliar with and a fairly long drive away from the comforts of home and family, and regardless of who I knew I don't tend to do well when surrounded by a large crowd in a closed off area - I struggle enough when we have Sarah's big family around at our house all at the same time. But I went to the wedding anyway to show my face for an hour or so and it admittedly wasn't as bad as I was expecting, although the fact that I didn't really know anyone there did make it feel a bit pointless as I was sat there on my own for parts of it scrolling Twitter. It's also worth mentioning that this was the first time I'd been out to a social gathering since getting my autism diagnosis and publicly coming out as autistic.

I bought Graham and Teri a card on my way there and got £10 to put in it. The cash machine at the shop wasn't working so I had to buy something and get cashback instead, which ended up being a pack of biscuits that was consumed in its entirety by me on my way to the wedding because of my nerves. Once the biscuits were finished I found myself gnawing like a starving beaver on my Chewigem button necklace instead. When I first got there I parked up around the corner from the main area where everyone was and sat in the car for a few minutes thinking to myself how I didn't want to go in. Partly because I wasn't keen on being there in the first place, but also because everyone else was already there and having a good time outside and I really don't like interrupting/drawing attention to myself. I gave it a few minutes, took a deep breath and took the plunge. Luckily Graham was outside and I recognised his voice a mile away so I followed it and went straight to him to say hi and congratulations.

I had a chat with Graham for a little bit at first and it was nice to speak to him after so long, but we (or at least I) quickly ran out of things to talk about. He was kind enough to buy me a coke since I didn't take any money with me because I was only planning on staying an hour or 2. Then we went back outside and joined the group of his friends/colleagues who all went on his stag do. As much as I like Graham I always forget how laddish he and his group are, which just isn't me at all and I found myself awkwardly in the middle of a conversation about guns (mainly of the paint balling/air soft kind, although Graham does go hunting) and other "manly" things that I have no interest in. The group split up and re-joined each other sporadically as you do at weddings when you're trying to mingle and I found a seat and just tried to mind my own business while scrolling Twitter. I started thinking about this on the drive home and realised that maybe one of the reasons I don't like talking to people is because I can't control them. Being autistic I've got my special interest in wrestling and I find that a lot of other things I like are things that most people don't like or know about, just like I don't know enough to have had any reasonable input in the guns conversation. Because I can't control what people say or what we talk about I think this is possibly one of the main things that I worry about in social situations, and the lack of compatibility between my interests and the "normal" interests in society causes a large disconnect between me and everybody else. As well as this, I like to have a level of certainty in things that I do, which I don't get when I can't control things.

I do feel like I should have mentioned my diagnosis to Graham when he asked me how I've been at the start, but I chose not to because I didn't get any sort of response or acknowledgement at all from him or anybody else in the stag do Messenger group when I posted a link to my Just Giving page back when I was trying to raise money as part of World Autism Awareness Week. I really don't think Graham would understand anyway even if I did bring it up because he's always been quite old fashioned in a way, and the laddishness that I mentioned before doesn't help fill me with confidence that news of my diagnosis would be warmly received. What he did say to me though is that I should go round to his house for a proper catch up at some point soon, which we haven't done in absolutely ages. Back when I was single we used to have DVD/PlayStation nights at his house sometimes so it'd be nice to do that again. I'll give him a week or 2 to get back from honeymoon and then maybe give him a message to arrange something. Maybe if it's just me and Graham (and probably his new wife Teri as well) I might feel a bit more comfortable discussing my autism away from the rest of the world. I think it'd be important to explain why I am how I am socially, especially when we haven't really seen each other in ages.

Sexuality

Sexual preference and gender identity are subjects that are often linked with neurodiversity. But this blog post isn't about my sexual orientation or how I identify, rather it's about my experience as a young, unknowing autistic struggling to create romantic and/or sexual relationships, and the effect that those struggles have had on me. By the way, just in case you're wondering, my orientation and identity are straight and cis (he/him pronouns).

I've been with our Sarah for 8 years now, and happily married for almost 7 of them but when I was single my relationships and dates with women were VERY few and far between - to the point that I still to this day consider it a minor miracle that I managed to attract Sarah at all. I mentioned in last week's post that I'd never had a girlfriend till I was 20 and didn't lose my virginity until I was 22. I think this combined with my always strong desire to meet somebody and settle down, yet inability to do so, damaged me to a certain extent. I should clarify first that the reason that I always wanted so badly to have sex for the first time wasn't because I wanted to lose my virginity for the sake of it. It was because I've always seen sex as something that should only be shared with someone you love, and even though realistically I knew that wasn't the case, I saw almost everyone I knew meet people and find the "love" that I so badly wanted. All I really wanted was to be/feel as valued, adequate and appreciated as everybody else was. There were a lot of times where it really got to me that I was basically being left behind and I guess the irony is that this then made it worse. By the time I was almost 23 it had worn me down so much that I ended up losing my virginity on the first date to a girl from Bradford who I met on the dating website Plenty Of Fish, and went from there into a very regrettable (but thankfully short) relationship. That relationship was the turning point of my life that knocked me onto the path to where I am now, but that's a story that I'll save for maybe another post.

The effect that I think my struggles as a teenager/young adult has had on me is all in my attitude toward sex. Maybe it's jealousy, maybe it's resentment, maybe it's because my experience (or lack thereof) has meant that certain things are unfamiliar to me, but I'm certain that my views and attitude toward sex are largely a result of my struggles to build meaningful, intimate and romantic relationships when I was younger. One of the first things that springs to mind that doesn't seem to match up with the rest of society is that I hate the idea of one night stands. I've never had one, and never wanted one. Because I've always seen sex as an expression of love I've never understood why anyone would want to have sex on a single occasion - in most cases with someone that they'd never met before so can't possibly be in love with, nor do I understand how one can attract said person they don't even know. Yes, I realise I've just contradicted myself by saying in one breath that I lost my virginity to a random girl on our first date, then in another breath saying I don't understand why you'd want to have sex with someone you didn't know. What little justification I can come up with is that;
a) when you've had next to no experience like me by a certain age it does things to you mentally so it felt like the right thing to do at the time although in hindsight it really wasn't, and
b) we'd already agreed in that early stage that we were officially a couple and had no intention of breaking up any time soon.

Linking into one night stands I don't like the casual approach to sex that a lot of society seems to have at the moment. Our Sarah sometimes likes watching trashy shows like The Sex Clinic on Channel 4 (or E4, or something like that) and the people on this kind of program almost always start bragging about how they've slept with X number of people. I've only ever slept with 2 people in my 31 years on Earth and I wish it was just the 1, so while I don't doubt that the majority of people have had more conquests (I hate that word because of its implications) than me, I do get a huge sense of bullshit from these shows. Regardless of how accurate the figures are that people report, I still find myself judging them negatively despite me being consciously well aware that people can do whatever they want to do.

I also strongly dislike the idea of sex under a certain age, and I think the age of consent should be raised from 16 to a minimum of 18. Looking back, I really don't think I was ready for various reasons even by the time I eventually had sex for the first time at almost 23. So although I know that everybody is different and is ready at different stages, I struggle to comprehend that somebody in their mid teens can be ready and legally allowed to have sex, especially with the consequences of pregnancy and STDs to consider. It goes without saying that I strongly disagree with sex under the legal age of consent, but even up to the age of around 20 I find myself very judgmental when I know I shouldn't be. Just as a side note - here in the UK you're legally allowed to have sex at 16, but you're not allowed to watch porn or other such explicit material until 18. So basically for those 2 years you're allowed to do it but not watch it... WTF is that all about???

Because I'm autistic I've always struggled to build and maintain relationships, and so because of this I've always felt excluded, isolated and inadequate when compared to my peers and the rest of society. Part of this is feeling that nobody is interested either romantically or sexually, and I've always got the impression that people are more repulsed by my own sexuality than they are by anyone else's. This has left me with massive difficulties in discussing things of a sexual nature - even with my own wife of 7 years - due to embarrassment and low self-esteem. For that reason it's been difficult for me even writing about it in this blog post but it's easier doing it here than actually talking to someone about it, especially when a lot of people seem to be fairly but not overly open about sex and able to discuss it with each other. I think my extended lack of experience and my difficulties in discussing sex with potential partners has also affected my sex drive in the long term. When I want something for such a long time and then I finally get it/have the opportunity to get it my brain decides that it's not such a big deal any more, probably because it's so used to doing without for so long. When I first became sexually active back in 2010 of course it was all great, gave me a massive confidence boost and everything else, as did the honeymoon phase of my relationship with Sarah. But eventually that wore off and I find these days that I'm generally not that interested in having sex. And let me clarify at this point that it's nothing to do with Sarah or my attraction to her as that's never changed, I still find her as beautiful and sexy now as the day we met but the issue comes completely from me. I'm happy to do it maybe once every 1 or 2 weeks, but a lot of the time I just can't be bothered and it feels like too much effort, and I think I probably feel that way more often than I should. I think my extended and non-voluntary abstinence has planted a stigma in my own brain that still affects me to this day.

I know I've said this before in a previous post, but who knows - maybe if I knew I was autistic at an early age things might have turned out different for me.

The Effects Of Late Diagnosis

Here it is at last! I've been promising/planning this post for a few weeks now but life stuff just got in the way every time. But it's finally here, and it's time to discuss the effects of late diagnosis - at least in my own personal experience. Obviously there are lots of things that could and would turn out different depending on when you're diagnosed autistic. I personally had no idea that I might be autistic until around my mid-20's, and even then it was still several years until I was diagnosed at the age of 31.

For me personally, one of the things that I think would have been different had I been diagnosed during childhood is my confidence level. My confidence (or lack thereof) has been commented on many, many times in my life, whether it's been during job interviews, dating, and even my first autism referral mis-diagnosed me with just a lack of confidence. While I'm not denying that my confidence is and always has been practically non-existent, it was always clear to me that this wasn't the underlying issue. If I knew I was autistic at school I think I might have been more confident and willing to outwardly be myself and to seek help for the things that I struggled with because I would have been more aware of what my struggles were, and the reason for them. In terms of the bullying I went though, I fully expect that my autism would have been just another target to them, but I also hope that my school would have been a lot more willing to offer me support and to take action against those bullying me. Just as an example of what my school were like in handling bullying - there was one point in year 9 or 10 when I'd had enough of this one kid's constant abuse so I finally snapped, and I'm not proud of this but I beat him up. Needless to say I'm the one that got in trouble for it and when my parents were called in one of the teachers said to them "I'm not surprised, it's been building up for a long time." Disgusted, my parents then asked what school had done about it since they just admitted they'd know about it for a long time. The answer was plain and simple; nothing. This confession from school wasn't an isolated incident either. That leaves me doubtful but I definitely hope that if we knew I was autistic there would have been at least something done rather than nothing.

My hope for a difference in school experience brings me nicely to my next point - that I hope my employment experience would have been different as well. I've had more jobs in my time than I care to count, and a lot of them ended on bad terms. The worst one was when I worked at The Range and they threatened to sack me because I wasn't fast enough. This led me to walking out mid-shift, returning the next day purely to hand my uniform in and give them my written notice with immediate effect. When I look back at my previous jobs I think it's obvious that so much could have (and hopefully would have) been different if I'd known I was autistic and explained that to my employers. I think it could have also helped me realise sooner what type of job I'm more suited to. I got my first job while I was at college in 2005, but it wasn't until 2009/10 that I found myself in office work which I massively prefer. Until that point it was all retail work and I soon came to the ralisation of how much I hated it. Once I was in an office and away from the public I was much, much happier.

Relationships is THE big one that I struggled with when I was younger and I like to think I'm not the only one, although it definitely felt like it at the time! I struggled to get on with people both platonically and romantically, and as I got towards my late teens it was becoming increasingly obvious that I'd been left behind in the sense that everyone else had at least had girlfriends/boyfriends but I'd had nothing, nor did I know how to reach what seemed to be normality/competency/adequacy (or a whole host of other words that could describe it). I was 20 before I had my first girlfriend, I'd never "pulled" on a night out until I was 21, and my virginity stayed with me until just a few months before I turned 23. I'm happily married now having met my wife in 2011, but not before I'd tried everything under the sun to meet somebody and settle down. I've been speed dating countless times, I tried to make sure I went out in town at every opportunity, I tried (and failed) to learn pick-up at one point, I applied to go on Take Me Out, and I even got a call back from them but they massively took their time so I'd already met Sarah by that point and we were planning to move in together. Anyhow, in terms of the affects my late diagnosis had, I feel that people would probably have been a bit more understanding of how I am if I could have simply told them 2 words; "I'm autistic." I like to think they'd also be more forgiving of my awkwardness, and hopefully it would have saved a lot of confusion as there were situations where I didn't know where I stood with things so maybe if people knew they'd be more inclined to give a clear-cut, straight answer.

Following on from that, I asked Sarah what effects she thinks my late diagnosis has had. She admitted that because of her lack of experience/knowledge of autism around the time we got together, if she'd known I was autistic it might have put her off although now she's glad it didn't. I guess it goes to show what stigma there is around autism, but at least as I mentioned above, she'd probably have been more inclined to give me a straight yes or no answer. On the other hand she did also say that if we'd know earlier it would probably have been easier in terms of social interactions and people's understanding of who/how I am.

So if we're asking whether it would have been better for me to have been diagnosed as a child, or wait until the age that I was actually diagnosed, I'd say it depends on how you look at it. The way I look at it is that yes it would probably have theoretically made life much easier for me in a number of different aspects, but at the end of the day it would realistically have probably put Sarah off dating me. She's done so much for me it's safe to say that if there was no Sarah in my life there'd be next to nothing else of what I've got at the moment. No happy marriage, no kids, no job that I'm happy (enough) in, no house, no cat, no nothing. And in reality, if there was no Sarah in my life there'd be no autism diagnosis. For that reason I'm very happy that I wasn't diagnosed when  I was younger and I wouldn't want to change it for the world.

The Walk

So I finally did it! It wasn't when I wanted to do it, or how I wanted to do it, but I did it nonetheless. It took 3 hours and 6 minutes, but I walked 10 miles for the National Autistic Society this morning and now my legs - especially my right hip - are in agony.

Because I couldn't do it on Sunday when I planned to do it, and because it was gonna be difficult planning it around everything else we've got going on, I managed to borrow a treadmill from a neighbour in my village and walked the full 10 miles (16.1km) in my own sitting room while watching Monday Night Raw from last night. The kids were at nursery and the wife was at work so it was the ideal time to do it in my own space and in my own time. So that's my charity commitment fulfilled, and I got caught up on all the weekend's wresting while I was at it - win, win!

I didn't raise absolutely loads on my Just Giving page, but I at least raised something which can only be better than nothing. It was £40 plus Gift Aid donations, and I've also got donations to come from a couple of family members when they get paid so I don't know the final total just yet.

Just a quick thank you now to all who donated and shared my Just Giving page, and I hope you all had a better World Autism Awareness Week than I did although it all worked out great in the end.

Update On The Walk

Sorry first of all for not posting last week. We'd been to Butlin's for the week and came back on Friday so I didn't have time to post anything as we were travelling back, sorting everything out when we got home, and I was knackered by the end of it.

I think for this week's post I need to give an update on the 10 mile walk I was planning on Sunday. To be honest I've had a hellacious few days this week with stress, anxiety, illness and a whole host of other things going on externally, which have all just come crashing down on us as a family all at once. Needless to say my World Autism Awareness Week hasn't gone anywhere near as well as I'd planned! I'm back at work today after taking Wednesday and Thursday off, but I'm still not 100%. In terms of mental health I feel a lot better now than I did a few days ago, thanks to isolating myself in a dark room as much as possible with just my cat for company. As far as my physical illness goes (and without going into the gory details that nobody wants to know), my stomach still isn't great at the moment so I can't take the risk of being out and about for 3-4 hours while I walk home from York Minster so I'm looking at other options of how I can still do the walk so I'm not letting anyone down. I'm hoping to be able to borrow a treadmill from somebody so that I can walk 10 miles without even leaving home. At least that way, if I need to run off to the bathroom I can just carry on from where I was. The other option is to delay it, but I really don't know when I'd be able to do it if I did delay it because my wife starts back at her uni placement next week, so it'll leave me on my own a lot with the kids. I guess delaying is one of those things where I'd have to cross that bridge when I come to it. Ideally, I'm hoping to get access to a treadmill on Sunday to do it that way.

So it was just a quick update this week to let you know where I am with everything, but there's still time to donate to and share my Just Giving page at https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/daveshaw13 and to raise a bit more before the day. I was supposed to have a day in the office yesterday (I normally work from home) but because I was ill I didn't go. What I was planning on doing was designing and printing some leaflets to promote my walk which I could then leave in the kitchen areas in the office, but obviously that didn't work out. But that shouldn't stop us from still doing our bit to raise money for a great cause!