Autism Denial

Society's understanding of autism has a long way to go before we reach the ideal level of integration and acceptance that there should be. There are still lots of myths surrounding autism that are either untrue or only true for some autistics and not for others because of the wide variety of the autism spectrum. Some examples are that only kids can be autistic (not true - autistic kids grow into autistic adults), or that autistics can't hold down a job (true for some, but not for others depending on how exactly autism affects them and what comorbid conditions they have, if any).

Because of this lack of understanding there's a lot of confusion, sometimes even in autistics themselves. Society dictates that "normal" humans should be or do X, Y and Z, and the lack understanding dictates that if an autistic person has this trait or that trait that's how they should be all the time. But in reality autistic traits can be more obvious at some times than they are at others. Every now and then the online autism community will post something that demonstrates how one day they struggle with certain aspects of their autism and feel the very real effects that it can have, and then another day they'll have what the outside world would see as a "good" or "normal" day where their autistic traits don't have that much of an affect and they'll start to wonder if they really are autistic, whether they're over-reacting to a couple of their own habits and so on. This is what I mean by this post's title Autism Denial and it can be damaging.

I experienced something similar recently when I went to see a friend who I only see maybe once or twice a year these days. Because I'm quite isolated in my day to day life and the only real contact that I have most of the time is with my wife, kids and our immediate families I get very comfortable in being myself, acting how I want to act and un-masking. Yet when I went to see my friend I found myself wanting to talk to him about my autism diagnosis, but I was scared to. Part of me had visions in my head of a conversation between us going something like this:
"I'm autistic."
"No you're not."
"I was diagnosed before Christmas."
"You're not autistic though."
And another part of me was in denial thinking that it's not relevant to anything, it's just a few little quirks I've got and doesn't mean anything or affect anything. While it's true that it doesn't affect us in the sense that I've always been autistic and we've been friends since we were at school together (over 16 years), I do still feel the need to be more open about autism in face to face interactions and I feel that talking about it is good for both parties. In fact, I deliberately wore my "This is what autism looks like" hoodie in the hope that he would ask about it so I didn't have to make the first move on the subject. He didn't.

When we're having our "good" days it's common for us autistics to feel like we're faking our autism even though we're not at all. It's just that the external or visible effect that autism has on us on a day to day basis can change. For me personally in situations like when I saw my friend I sometimes find myself wondering whether the assessment got my diagnosis wrong, or whether I somehow presented to them falsely. But I know that all the traits and evidence are there - and more importantly they're real - so there's no way it could be wrong even though I do present as what some would call "high functioning". I guess it's probably part of the anxiety that plagues a lot of autistics like myself, in which case talking about it and taking steps to a more understanding and more accepting world are definitely the best way to go.